merchant of menace

Birthday Movies

2008-09-07T05:12:00.000-07:00

My birthday has come and gone. Feeling older, got stuck in thoughts about nearing 30 and wondering if I'm doing what I should be. The quarter life crisis has happened to me too many times I don't even want to think about it.

With observations done and the sem winding down there's time for writing. I'm also looking forward to some serious DVD viewing. I've been making an effort to buy those discounted original DVDs as of late. But then after going shopping this weekend I was made well aware of the severe limitations in title selection offered by chains like Astrovision and Odyssey. I was able to pick up a number of titles. I had no plans of buying any of them, I mean to say I never went around looking for them at stores and the like, but once the chance to buy them came up, I could not resist and got whatever could fit my meager budget. Here's to not eating out because I overspent on DVDs. Toast! and the flicks:

1. Nosferatu
2. Infernal Affairs
3. The Omega Man
4. Touch of Evil
5. Soylent Green
6. Some Like It Hot
7. Tarkovsky's Solaris
8. Yojimbo
9. Cape Fear (Original)
10. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask
11. Zelig

What Is Music? A playlist and a disaster

2008-09-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks have been rather difficult. Leading up to my birthday, they have had me questioning what I'm doing, where I am at this point. It didn't help that I've had doubts about teaching thanks to the observations that have been conducted these last two weeks.

In the hopes of amending some mistakes in a past meeting and starting a provocative discussion, I decided to make a playlist based on the essay I am discussing, an excerpt of the chapter "What is Music" from Levitin's This is Your Brain on Music.

I spent the night picking through my iPod for the ideal tracks to include based on the paragraphs I would discuss, checking different resources to make sure I was picking songs from appropriate periods, etc, and then downloading something from West Side Story because it's on the list.

The following morning I packed up my big old speakers and lugged them to UP so that I would have a good sound system that would help the students hear and appreciate the music, in all its variety and richness.

I went to the room early to set up the speakers and make sure everything went well. I couldn't find an electrical socket. Then, in one corner, there was this plastic thing that resembled an outlet. I plugged in, and nothing. Nothing.

I spent the first quarter of the class time running around trying to find an extension cord so I could hook up to another classroom. The one time I try to utilize some AV materials, my own, and there was nothing. Playlist, speakers, all of it a waste. And there was I, sweating and distraught, the lesson as I envisioned dissipating as this panicked situation set in. I didn't know how to start, how to fix it. The connections between discussions was so clear in my head that not I had no way to transition. And worst of all were the senior teachers sitting there waiting for me to start. I was still trying to catch my breath.

needless to say, things did not go well.

in any case, I think that this playlist is very interesting, especially since it is asked within the context of what is music? how do we define music? I'll list the songs here:

First Levitin says that for some, "music" is the masters:

Track 1: Beethoven's Symphony Number 5
Track 2: Mozart's "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" Allegro

For others it's Busta Rhymes, Dr. Dre, or Moby:
Track 3: Busta Rhymes' "Where's My Money?"
Track 4: Busta Rhymes "What's it Gonna Be!?"
Track 5: NWA "Fuck the Police"
Track 6: Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg "The Next Episode
Track 7: Moby "Go"

For others it's jazz
Track 8: Miles Davis"Seven Steps to Heaven"

In the 60s parents were afraid of the evil influence rock beats from the likes of the Monkees would have on children
Track 9: The Monkees "I'm a Believer"
Track 10: The Rolling Stones "Satisfaction"
Track 11: The Beach Boys "Good Vibrations"

Bob Dylan was booed for going electric
Track 12: The Times They Are A-changing
Track 13: Like a Rolling Stone

For a time the Catholic Church banned polyphony
Track 14: Handel "And the Glory" from Messiah
Track 15: Happy Mondays "24 Hour Party People"

The Church also banned tritones because they were found to evoke the devil and were called Diabolus in musica
Track 16: West Side Story "Maria"
Track 17: Mishka Adams "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
Track 18: The Simpsons Theme

If you take the time to listen, this is an immensely provocative list that asks us to question many of our beliefs about the parameters of music and the many ways that music has been judged in the past.

At least there's that list, and maybe I can pull off that lecture some other time, in some classroom where I can get it played.

Lyrics and Noise

2008-09-02T17:07:00.000-07:00

I've long been an advocate of the literariness of a song, that the lyrics and music should match but also that the lyrics should be very well written. While this is a topic of possibly endless debate, where I do find myself arguing with various of my own points, I do champion the importance of good lyricism, of good songwriting. So it's always interesting to find a jumble of words that, when written on the page, don't really make much sense, but fit perfectly with the music that they go with.

Case in point here is The Verve's carrier single from their new album, Forth, entitled "Love is Noise." While Richard Ashcroft has been hailed as one of the great songwriters (by Chris Martin, not sure by how many other people) he has a tendency to try to be metaphysical without really having a point. This isn't to say that I don't like the man's songs, far from it. The Verve are probably one of my favorite bands, if not my favorite from 90s britpop. Ashcroft has the gift for pretty lines, and also for finding a good line and repeating it in variations that give meaning when coupled with The Verve's music, particularly that airy guitar sound and the general feeling that you're someplace else when you're listening to them. And thus we have these lines from "Love is Noise" :

Will those feet in modern times
Walk on soles made in China?
Will those feet in modern times
See the bright prosaic malls?
Will those feet in modern times
Recognise the heavy burden
Will those feet in modern times
Pardon me for my sins
Love is noise
Come on

One might think that the song might be going somewhere. The rest of the lyrics are some variation on those in the lines listed above. And so, in trying to make sense of them, in any kind of literary way, one is left saying, "Huh?" And still, when you hear that chorus, "Love is noise/Love is Pain/ Love is these blues I'm singing again/" with that irresistible vocal hook and propulsive guitars, you can't help but be drawn by it, the head bopping to the dance/trance beat.

I've been trying to look for other examples. I think a good one is U2's "Bad". It sounds beautiful, the lush, warm melody that develops and really makes you swoon. Giving that song its rise is Bono's powerful delivery of some lines like:

If I could throw this
Lifeless lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay
See you walk, walk away
Into the night
And through the rain
Into the half-light
And through the flame

When Bono sings them one line at a time, these lines seem so powerful, so rich in meaning. And yet when we look at it on the page it doesn't really aspire to a level anywhere near poetry. And still it fits perfectly within the context of the song.

This then begs the question, how can I accept and love these songs, and yet despise "Umbrella" or anything by Soulja Boy and mock the undying absurdity of Akon? Is it the purpose? Is it in the expression? When I hear the song that goes "It's too late to apologize" it seems that it's just such a bare and unbearable outpour of emotion, unmitigated by any artistic sense, much like "I-e-I-I will always love you-hu-hu-hu". And still these songs do, in some way, adhere to the principles of music composition. So how then do we define, do we judge? On what are we to base our aesthetics?

Lyricism seems still crucial in terms of whether I like a song or not. I suppose that this calls for a constant repositioning in the demand that we make of a song. But how is it acceptable for me to like "Love is Noise" when, for much the same reasons people will cite other songs and say, "E gusto ko yung beat" even if they don't know what the songs mean? I could appeal to The Verve's shamanistic tendencies where they invoke a kind of trance with their music and have these weird lines floating above it all. Then that brings along more problems and questions of the demand which we make of music. That would then say, so as long as you're making this kind of music you have a right to write drivel?

How do we define drivel and nonsense verse from plain nonsense? What makes "Come Together" or "I am the Walrus," both of those songs playing on sound-driven (and I'm inclined to believe acid-driven) verse, different or superior to contemporary pop music, much of the lyrics of which are nonsensical? I'm still trying to find an answer to this.

Day 73

2008-08-21T08:39:00.000-07:00

Here's a new short short I just wrote up, open for comments:

Day 73

They had run out of fresh food long ago. By their count is was Day 73 of the crisis; they could not remember the last day they had eaten anything crisp. At least they could warm their canned food with the LPG gas tanks they dragged from nearby homes when they made runs out during the daytime. As the days passed they started to feel some confidence in these excursions. For a time they had such confidence that they were generally safe within their quarantine area that they became lax with their security. That was the day Justin died.

They hadn't seen a zombie for almost a week and on that day Justin decided that he wanted to have a smoke out in the sunshine. He sat on a swing in the subdivision's clubhouse and lit up a cigarette. Some of the younger boys started a pick-up basketball game. For the first time in a long time their adrenaline was driven by the joy of exertion and the thrill of a game and not the fear that had hounded them like an unending nightmare. Caught up in the game, the sad circumstances of their situation were lost amidst the, “Ooohs!” after a blocked shot, the swish of the net, the tumble and dribble and the slaps of wrist on ball, the rustle of sneakers on asphalt.

Then there was a scream. Somehow a zombie had managed to get through their defenses. A moat and then a 10-foot tall fence guarded most of the subdivision's perimeter, and they had electrified the gates. They found later that the zombie corpses had piled up on one of the gates so that they served as a flesh ladder for a number of intruders. Among these intruders was the zombie, dressed in tattered polo-barong, who someone recognized as someone's driver, who had just bitten into Justin's neck, his jugular spurting blood all over the swing.

A single shot ran out from one of the rooftop perches, the bullet only curving slightly in trajectory so that instead of going right between the eyes where the shooter had aimed, it went through the intruder's right eye entering just below the socket and exiting at the base of the skull before coming to a halt in the asphalt. The boys playing basketball quickly remembered the outbreak, the deaths of their parents, their isolation in the subdivision, the garbled message that said to maintain a quarantine and that help would come soon, and the need to stop the disease's spread no matter what the cost.

Two of the boys held Justin down. He was writhing and gasping, one hand covering the bite as blood poured out, the other waving frantically imploring help. They stepped on his shoulders and stuck him to the asphalt. Another boy came with a shovel and held it above Justin's head, the blade poised at his neck. Justin waved his free hand, tried to slap the shovel away but one of the boys holding him down grabbed the hand and pulled it out of the way so that the shovel came down on his neck, severing the head clean from the body as well as cutting off the tips of his fingers that were pressed against his jugular.

Since that day there had been no sitting on the swing, no smokes in the sunshine, no pick-up basketball games. There had only been efficient runs to get supplies like food, batteries, and medicine from nearby houses, systematic shifts that ensured someone was keeping guard and patrolling at all times, and a constant hope that someday, soon, the radio would flicker on again and tell them how many more days they would have to wait.

My Kalabaw and Me

2008-08-15T18:22:00.000-07:00

Sometime this I week I was supposed to be interviewed by some students from another university. I could not help myself with what happened, and so I think it's worth writing about.

Normally one would be flattered. I've been interviewed maybe once or twice before about my writing. It is something, if only one of those small acknowledgements that you are being read or you're making some dent in this large, momentous institution of literature. I'm always a little surprised that, with all the people that they can interview, literature students would pick up my stuff and like it enough to talk to me. And let's admit it, it feels nice, that little bit of positive reinforcement. On my end, I just like it that someone read my work. Their wanting to talk to me, then, is a great big bonus.

Which is why the interview turned out a great big bummer.

One student contacted me on a Saturday, asking if I could be interviewed for a project that they were doing for a literature class. I said, yeah great, and asked the kind of questions they would be asking. We set the interview for Wednesday, and they said they would be asking me about my writing and my bio. Ok fine.

The group shows up. There are six or seven of them. I open the door and they tumble into my office at the faculty center. We have a bit of trouble setting up the shot because of their number and the size of my room. Once I'm sitting I say, hey shouldn't you ask me some preliminary questions or anything before we start shooting? Being used to interviewing people, I value the interviewer establishing some rapport, if even just a little bit, before the actual interview starts. To answer me, they all look at each other, then start nodding their heads.

I ask, what about my writing am I gonna talk about? They look at each other. Then I ask, what have you read? They say that they haven't read anything that I've written. Then I ask, have you read anything about me? Negative to that too. So I say, You haven't read anything I've written, and you haven't bothered to research about me? That's right? You have absolutely no idea who I am or what i do? To this they nod in the affirmative.

I could have been more pissed and thrown them out. It's just plain damn sloppy to interview someone and not do any research. I asked, Why are you interviewing me then? The beautiful, glorious answer, the answer to all the academic work and the initiative behind it these days, "SIR REQUIRED E."

I take the time to set a meeting and talk with these kids, they can't take the time to friggin' google my name (see previous post, My Secret Vanity).

They ask me about my life, tell them my biography. To this the chance for fun overwhelms me.

"Lumaki ako sa bukid. Hindi ako nakapagaral nung bata ako dahil pinagtatrabaho ako sa farm. Lagi akong nasa fields kasama ko si Manny, yung kalabaw ko. Best friend ko si Manny. Tapos namatay siya hindi ko alam kung bakit. Nung namatay si Manny, that's when I realized that I wanted to be a writer."

Then some senseless questions :

Sir, have you won any awards or gotten any kind of acclaim?
Yes.
Would you like to talk about them?
No.

Could you tell us the titles of your works?
Yes I could.
What are they?
Well, you could google them can't you?

Did you ever think you would be famous because of your writing?
(Now what kind of question is that?) No

Can you say something inspiring for those who would want to be writers?
No. No one would be inspired by anything I have to say. (Who am I Kris Aquino?)

What would you like to tell people then?
READ. It's important for people to read. Really.

And thus went the interview. I kept apologizing because I felt I was being too crabby or difficult, but it could not be helped really. I only wonder if the story of my kalabaw will live on as a piece of academic work.

The Truth about Rain and DSL

2008-08-10T23:31:00.000-07:00

"Nababasa ang poste," the repair guy said. He explained to me in a tone that was meant to make me feel like an idiot. After having complained about the performance of my DSL I was visited by repair guy on a Saturday morning and told, "Baka naman mali lang settings mo kaya nagkakaproblema."

How do you respond to this kind of behavior? Not sure if it's the normal thing for the repairmen to assume that their customers are idiots. I turned on my computer and assured the guy that my settings were just fine. He sat at the Mac and connected to the net. "Ok naman a, nakakaconnect naman."

"Yeah, ngayon kasi umaga, maaraw. Ang problema ko, 7-11 weekdays, at pag umuulan laging napuputol."

"Ah ganun talaga."

"Ganun talaga?" What do you mean by that?"

"E kasi pag ganung oras, wala nang nagbabantay sa opisina kaya napuputol." Which makes one think, so how come no one's making sure the net's working? You mean to tell me when it's closing time for offices no one's monitoring my internet service? This may explain why no one's answering the customer service line. So either this guy is telling me shit, or there's really no one monitoring the quality of net service after office hours. I'm not sure which is preferable. I would like to think that my provider cares enough about its customers to assure service, even if repair guy lacks any customer relations skills.

"E yung ulan?"

"Nababasa ang poste."

"So?"

"Pag nababasa ang poste, mawawala internet mo." The logic, to him, seemed flawless. Wet posts equals no internet, why are you still asking questions? But I couldn't resist.

"E yung phone, lights, poste din naman yun. Bakit yun hindi nawawala pag umuulan."

"Ibang poste yun e."

Now I don't know, but that really made me feel dumb. What an idiot I am, it's a different post. Of course!

"So pag umulan, expect ko dapat na mapuputol ang internet ko?'

"Oo."

And that, dear friends, straight from the horses' mouth, is the truth about my internet rants. What can you say?

English Proficiency Questions

2008-08-04T01:21:00.000-07:00

Having been checking papers the last couple of days, I've been wondering about where it is best to effect change in our English teaching curriculum. While we accept that there are evolutions of English, such as Chinglish and Singlish, there is still also the demand for students to be proficient in writing formal English, at least academically. That's where I supposedly come in, teaching students how to write at the college level. However, sadly, that is not really the case. What is happening is that I am trying to correct, or get students to unlearn things that they learned. Not only is there the barrier of students who fear the subject, or who think it's pointless (and this is a pretty formidable barrier) but there is the problem of students walking into college classrooms unprepared for the rigors of university writing because they lack the preparation.

To be clear though, there are a number of students who display impressive skills in writing. But they are far outnumbered by those that need much work, and that work is a minefield of different areas, such as grammar in its simplest aspects like subject verb agreement, to the way that they use, or misuse, the language, to word selection and the list goes on and on.

I am more than willing to accept that not everyone is supposed to be in a creative writing class. but being in a university, I would hope that people would develop a mental framework that would cause them to think that they would be writing as academics, at least for the next four or five years that they will be studying at the university level.

I have to ask myself how students get to the tertiary level without having a proper background in their English and writing skills. I suppose that math teachers are asking themselves similar questions. But being someone who has taught at the lower levels, I feel the need to really question this.

There were many things wrong with the English program that I was teaching at the high school level. I tried to fix those things. Now while that program had its deficiencies, the problem also was that students arrived at the high school level already having problems and having learned the wrong things. (Case in point is that up to the point that they became my students, some of them were taught that even though was written as eventhough, and as if was asif)

So do high school teachers have to correct these things? Should they leave them to the college professors to correct? But for someone like me teaching at the college level i assume and expect that these people are ready for college work. Why should we have to move backwards? So then were does this start?

They are deficient when they get to high school? What are the grade school teachers teaching them? Must there be a massive reassessment of the level at which we are teaching? I believe so. In a society following the American public school system, which was largely based on industry and factory systems, we have not stopped to think about how education should be structured in a knowledge-based economy.

We are training students to pass the UPCAT and ACET and all those others, to get good scores on proficiency exams, but are we training students to be innovative? Are we training them for the information-age jobs that they will soon have to take? Seeing as to how technology is leveling the global playing field, the ability to communicate will be essential. They may have access to the tech, but what happens when they cannot communicate effectively. Add to this the problematic structure of our public high school system that, like most things in this country, is forever lacking funding. Come to think of it, the only things that don't lack funding when it comes to public works are those things that have to do directly with the bigwigs. But classrooms? Teacher training? Budget for paying public school teachers?

I pull back further. Is it a problem of grade school? Or of those formative years when children who are rich are exposed to speaking yaya english, or their parents aren't great english speakers, and thus speak in transliterated forms?

Further, when do these different forms and levels of English , which I would allow to be used in common conversation, be automatically excluded from paper-writing? When will students make the distinction of the level of language expected, without them having to be told?

SONA reactions

2008-07-28T00:53:00.000-07:00

While I would much rather be watching Cha's anniversary gift, Gotham Knight, I find myself watching and feeling the need to react to the SONA. In fact, I have grown weary of it all. There was a time when this was important to me, when I felt that I had a responsibility to be aware and active in politics. Sadly, as I've grown older, and the need to make a living, and the general feeling that you can't change things has sunk in, I have turned my back on it all, thinking that my purchasing power has defined my politics. Still, here I am, tapping away at the keyboard while watching the pre-SONA coverage and I'll be reacting as I listen to the SONA itself. Oh, just for the purposes of clarity, I will say that I am watching the ABS-CBN coverage. as friends know, I have no antenna, but I can get that channel in grainy quality without the antenna.

1. It's very irritating that there's a feature on SONA fashion. Someone has likened the SONA to the Oscars. Would the Americans liken their State of the Union address to the Oscars? probably not, but I suppose with the fashion sense and the proliferation of showbiz personalities in government then perhaps it's not an unfair comparison.

2. Ang barok ng Senate president mag-call to order.

3. Legistlators' prayer? Why Why? If there were a god, then most of these people would be rightly punished. Sorry boys, you ain't prayin' to no one. And if there were one prayer, it would be, I pray that you fools would stop stealing the money I pay for taxes. I never tire of saying that the government took P70,000 of my money last year. Can I pray that they give it back? Or that I benefit from it somehow? The minimum expectation of a society is safety, that you are freed from the brutish, nasty, and short nature of life without society. How come I'm afraid to walk down the street at night, I'm paying so much to belong to this society?

4. GMA has such a terrible voice.

5. Why is it that when you give a speech, you have to say all these people's names before getting on with it? blah blah blah

6. GMA's code switching a lot. That means that she wouldn't get in if she applied to teach in the english department.

7. GMA says that world markets are erasing progress in local markets. True enough there are problems abroad, but then what tangible progress can she refer to locally before the failures abroad? Her 1 million jobs include MMDA and street sweepers, not gainful employment for the well-educated. Haha. how much am i earning these days?

8. "The global crisis did not catch is unprepared," You could have fooled me. Damn, costs so much to buy a good piece of meat these days. And gas has been killing me. Who is the we she keeps talking about? "For footing the bill I thank the tax payers," goddamn, i didn't want to do that.

9. GMA is now saying that she is willing to be unpopular so that she can get us through the economic crisis. Hmmm. is this a dark knight kind of thing going? I'm not believing it. There's a clear reason why she's unpopular. Things could be done better, there is a lack of transparency...She is going on now about the people she cares about, among them schoolteachers. If we really cared about school teachers they would be making more money, and they would receive ongoing training.

10. She's going to present her suggestions for easing price challenges . Sufficiency, energy independence, self-reliance, long term reforms. These sound like things that are obvious to anyone, but moves should have been made for these years ago. Let's see how this breaks down.

11. She's justifying VAT by giving a list of what it's for. Sadly, our VAT soars at 12% and we know that a lot of this is going into pockets. "Take VAT away...and you and I... pull the rug out from under progress...," sounds like a fallacy to me. Take away VAT and we strip the people of...riding out the energy crisis." "It is about doing what is necessary however hard." "The government has persevered." Then she says something to the effect of VAT will go to helping people now and investing in the future. It all sounds good, but they sound more like motherhood statements more than actual tangible explanations for things. V for Vendetta and Big Brother similarities anyone?

12. "Texting is a way of life." GMA has brought the price of texting down to p0.50. wow. everyone claps. should i be happy?

13. If we could replace all lights with fluorescent lights, then we could save 2 billion pesos. Um, ok. I don't know, but these things are very small scale. Now she mentions the amount of money released for typhoon victims. Do we really need to clap that we gave aid?

14. 32 peso commercial rice now. We shall see if it stays that way. I feel like there's so much disbelief in my tone. Can't help it.

15. Prices will remain high. But we can work to ease the pain while investing in long term solutions. That seems to be the recurring theme of the SONA.

16. People are clapping for irrigation systems. I don't know, might just be me, but when I play civilization, irrigation is a pretty basic thing. Not sure why irrigation should be a clap-worthy thing in the information age. It should have been there ages ago.

17. "Providing seeds at subsidized prices." This seems like something, like irrigation ,that should be expected. I'm looking for something more than this.

18. Promoting natural family planning. she's trying to get the religious congregations behind her on this one. One has to ask the question, because she refers to a drop in the birth rate, the demographics behind it. Is it the middle class and upper class that are having less kids? Which is expected as women focus on their careers, or is it the poor, who are the ones who really need to be educated about birth control?

19. Self-reliant, self-sufficient, independent. It's a doctrine that was adopted by the Japanese and Singaporeans which led to their successes in the past. The question is, in this global economy, can this be done? How effectively?

20 GMA is quoting figures for agricultural production. Again, irrigation and vegetable planting are mentioned. Damn, what year is it again? Oh right, it's 2008. Just checked wikipedia, signs of irrigation have been recorded as early as the 6th millennium BCE. damn

21. Agrarian reform and giving the farmers the ability to sustain their land and production. This is an initiative close to my heart, as I worked on some projects with DAR.

22. At this point my mind is drifting, as GMA talks about the place where justice and progress converge. I am thinking how she lacks charisma. No charisma, no inspiring ability. I'm not inspired in any case.

23. Something about the RORO helping the economy.

24. GMA's talking about vocational graduates and she's having them stand up in the hall to show I suppose that these people do exist, that it's happening. but come on, we're clapping for the welders of the world? well and good for them, but what about everyone else? No mention of the OSYs and initiatives for them, nor career tracks for these other people. I just can't stop thinking about the lack of intellectual progress and the absence of funding for it.

25. Microfinancing. very good. Another project I have worked on which I think is very beneficial.

26. GMA's giving more names, this time of farmers. It's a PR thing, showing the people who are benefitting from it. I think it can be effective, although we've had the Mang Pandoys and the bangkang papel so I'm not buying it anymore. Damn, i didn't realize that she's given so many SONAs. Been president for far too long.

27. Mindanao peace process. I'm actually writing a movie that plays on the whole idea. I've been reading about the peace process since I was a freshman. That's a long time. But it's been going on for far longer than that.

28. She's talking about the Pope. I'm zoned out. I'm standing by the need for a secular morality. Let's help people not because there's a god, there's help people because we're all people.

29. SSS and GSIS are reacting to inflation, etc. Good news. Ditto Pag-Ibig. GMA asks SSS to give bigger house loans. Could be a good thing, more homes bought, better economy with the money going round, government makes money from interest.

30. School-building program. Let's see. again, disbelief. The building may be built, but what about resources, teachers, etc, etc. Sometimes we only build what will be counted, the hard stuff, but the soft infrastructure is often overlooked. and the soft stuff is just as important.

31. Promotion of natural gas and bio-fuel. Let's see if this can help bring down gas and electricity costs. Renewable energy bill passed; again let's see how this changes the game. I'm looking for us making a shift to hybrid vehicles. What will happen with all the jeepneys in the next ten years? How will public transportation respond to the problem of renewable fuels?

32. Investments to strengthen institutions and fight corruptions. "I will continue to fight these battles everyday." Hmm, shall I say no comment when GMA says this? Ombudsman's conviction rate increased 500 percent. Question: How many of these officials were congressmen, senators? High ranking secretaries, Usecs?

33. 3 billion pesos for anti-graft fund. That's a lot of money. 4 billion for UP. hmm that doesn't seem right for UP, now does it if we place such a high premium on education?

34. GMA asks for a consumer bill of rights. Again something we should have had long ago. But better late than never.

35. GMA says she cares too much for our nation to let anyone stand in the way of our progress. Hmm, that sounds like some pretty strong rhetoric. Man oh man, am i thinking big brother and V for vendetta rhetoric here.

Secret Vanity

2008-07-21T07:50:00.000-07:00

Some friends asked me to post what I read at the recent Read Lit District, so here it is.
My Secret Vanity

I'm a scruffy-looking guy. I wonder if it comes from wanting to emulate Harrison Ford as Han Solo (“Who are you calling scruffy-looking?”) or Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones (I did try wearing the Fedora, but I was much much too young then to grow stubble) or any of his numerous other scruffy-looking roles. Ford sports a disheveled yet dashing look that I wished I could emulate. My scruffy-lookingness sadly only gets it half right. I lack the dash; I just look really disheveled. And kind of fat. No, let's be honest. Not kind of fat. Fat. Really fat. Well, that's being a bit hard on myself, I'm not that fat. Just fat. So disheveled and fat.

I suppose the failure of a number of my relationships, and a reason for some romances never happening, is my apparent lack of grooming. Some of those girls could not bear my hair that hadn't felt the tug of brush or comb in years. When I get a haircut, I get my head shaved. Then I just kind of let it all hang out until it seems too long, or there's some occasion when I need to get a hair cut. Such occasions, like graduations, formal events, weddings, and the like are very rare in my life, and so the hair just kind of grows out about a year or two. I figure using shampoo and taking a towel to it are more than enough attention than my hair needs. It just kind of falls into place. I think.

My philosophy about shaving is similar to that for fixing my bed. When I wake up in the morning I leave the pillows and blanket in disarray. Why? Because when I get in bed later that night I'm going to mess it all up again anyway, so why fix it now? Similarly, it's going to grow back anyway, so why bother shaving? Again, a formal event may prompt me to put a razor to my face. Otherwise I take to my facial hair with a pair of scissors only when the hair gets so long that it interferes with my eating; I start feeling the mustache hair impeding the flow of food into my mouth.

When we move on to my fashion sense, or lack thereof, well, I've heard people say to me, “Hinahabol ka ng plantsa,” so often that those people get tired of saying it. I'm a T-Shirt and jeans guy, except when I teach which is when I'll maybe throw a collared button-down over that T-Shirt. I have a thing for flannel or plaid because my fashion sense is stuck emulating the Seattle-grunge look of the early 90s, but modified for the tropical clime (which means that the look looks terribly off). Sometimes I'll turn to the other fashion rage of my pre-teen youth and put on some big baggy clothes and look like a suburban hip-hopper mixed with punk from So-Cal. I really don't get how to dress up, and in the metro and post-metrosexual world my fashion sense is terribly dated, and grungy is the exact word for it.

So it's a wonder that I would be writing something about vanity. When I told my girlfriend that I was writing an essay about how vain I am she just replied with a grunt of disbelief. Then she fixed my hair a little bit.

My vanity though, is something that I share with many. It may not be as rampant as the droves of “vain pics” that you'll see on social networking sites, so proliferative that vain photography may become a classification title, but I think that a lot of us do it.

I like to Google my name.
Just an aside, isn't it interesting that Google has become a verb? Technically it's a noun, right? It's a website. But it can be used as a verb, and it's very cool that it's easy to make it past tense, “I Googled it.” Also, it doesn't sound so bad in Tagalog, “I-Google mo,” or “Na-Google ko na.”

I like to Google my name just to see if anyone's talking about me, to see if I'm getting any hits. I don't care what they say. I've seen the worst things written about my writing, but woohoo at least somebody wrote about me. Okay, so admittedly I wasn't happy that someone wrote something bad about me, but in the long run I'm happy that I am still worth writing about.

I have to run it through permutations of my name. First is Carl Javier. This just gets too many hits. Then I'll go with the publishing name Carljoe Javier. This shows up a good number of personal posts, along with reviews of things I wrote and the aforementioned negative writing. Sometimes I get surprised because people actually quote me. This is because I wouldn't quote myself. I'm often drunk or misled in thoughts. But I found out that there are some things that I do say that hold some value once they wind up on the internet. Just now I Googled my name and found that I have been listed in a number of blogs and personals as among these people's favorite writers.

It's also fun to be cross-posted. I once wrote an essay about the crazy things I'm tempted to do as a statement of my frustration with our government. It wound up on a gun enthusiast's site. I've also wound up on fan sites for various geekdoms which I belong to. They found my reviews and posted them on the sites.

Then there's the searching for what students say about me. High school teachers are especially susceptible to funny things. I've seen the worst pictures, like one where a teacher is in front of the class and everyone's sleeping. The “candid” pictures taken when a teacher flares up also make for good material on student pages. I've been lucky enough not to be caught, I think. Or at least I've been lucky enough not to see the bad shots of me that students have taken. There have been unusual blog entries expressing undying love, which I assume the writer thought I would never read.

It's all not worth much when you look at it. Mentions of my name in various articles, some references from friend's blogs, quotes from my class now and then, and the occasional picture that I was too drunk to remember I was in, the rare review of something I wrote, and some of the band's performances posted in youtube. And yet it all adds up to a lot of pages. From the first time I Googled my name and found three entries now I have to take about half an hour sifting through the pages seeing if there's anything new from me or about me online.

Is it something to do with my importance in this world? It's an attempt to leave behind some kind of mark, to matter in some way. I have to sit back and wonder why someone who is bored will hastily snap fifteen or twenty shots of herself, post them online, and then send out these announcements that she's got a new post and you should check it out when it's really inconsequential drivel.

Are she and I operating under the same motivations? Do we feel the need to be seen, to be heard in an exceedingly detached digital world? Face to face contact is mitigated these days by the online social network, and it seems that to be noticed online is just as important as it is to be nodded or smiled to when you run into someone you know in the hallway. We all want to be known, and to know and feel that we are known. I may not care about how I look, but I care that I am heard.

Mother---king Internet connection

2008-07-15T05:22:00.000-07:00

I have ranted about this in a previous post, and yet it still deserves more complaints. Also, I enjoin the people who have the same problem to write about it in their blogs, in the hopes that the complaints will register. Any company that has any sense these days will pay attention to a deluge of blogs complaining about its performance. But then we're here in the Philippine Islands and god knows lots of company-people fail to comprehend the immensity of the internet's power, or people's ability to access forward thinking and employ it thanks to the interweb's capabilities.

Well, this morning I tried to get online and couldn't. Would it seem wrong to blame the rain? Is it mere coincidence that rain hampers internet performance? Is there really a connection?

And when trying to at least inquire about the status of the net, well, gee-whiz I couldn't get through to tech support. I hear all my friends going through all this shit in call centers, but then the local providers can't get enough people on the line for us. What's up with that? I spent damn near half an hour trying to get through to tech support and never getting anything more than rings and then a dead tone. I got through to Bayantel Customer Service, but they said they couldn't help me at all because my concern had to do with the internet. I tried the internet customer support some more before finally giving up.

Again, Bayan Tel, what's going on? What's with no one answering the tech support? How am I supposed to log a complaint when I can't even get through?

Just as I was trying to send this entry I was disconnected again. Ah the wonders.

Dark Knight

2008-07-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time in movie theaters, and kind of working on film and having been writing reviews for a while now, I've found different ways to watch films. Sometimes I come into them expecting moving narrative, sweeping emotional journeys, quiet family dramas, and sometimes just plain visual virtuosity. And then there are times when I just want some easy dumb fun, like say Harold and Kumar or the Apatow-backed flicks like Knocked Up or Superbad.

I have talked with some friends, though, that I thoroughly enjoy films that allow me to experience the magic of filmmaking. Granted there are times when we expect total realism, or when we just cannot accept the way that films create or operate within the bounds of their film worlds. But I feel that the great films of my youth, the movies that made me love movies, were those that were able to convey in me a sense of magic, a kind of feeling that movies and only movies can create.

If I were to be asked for a concrete example I would refer to the first few minutes of Raiders of the Lost Ark as a clear powerful example of movie-making magic. The rest of the film is likewise as magical.

I am waxing poetic about movie magic because of The Dark Knight, which I watched last night in IMAX. From the opening scenes, on through to the last sequence, one gets a sense of magic, and of the power of film to tell stories, to excite, to make us feel alive.

The visuals were amazing with the stunts and action sequences taking on a visceral quality that makes one scream out. At certain points in the film I wanted to stand up and start screaming, "That was fucking awesome!" Indeed that is the sentiment I felt when I walked out of the sensory-overload-inducing IMAX experience. I have no doubts that even in the usual theater this film will throw people out of their seats.

It's a rare thing to be overwhelmed with movie-magic, despite the saturation of the market. Dark Knight overwhelms on all levels, creating a piece of depth, beauty, and power. It's smart, it's challenging, but it's also great fun.

Kaya Nga Ako Nag-DSL

2008-07-03T05:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted anything in quite a while. And it's not because I haven't been trying to write in this blog. perhaps one of the most demoralizing things when it comes to blogging is typing up an entry, and then it not being sent. You try and jump back to the text and the page has expired. Poof. It's gone.

I had tried what most people said, write it in the word processor then copy and paste. Truth be told i'm just too lazy. But that's what I get. I mean, I went with DSL so I wouldn't have to put up with getting disconnected all the time.

So I"m looking at you right now, BayanTel, what's up? It rains and things are over. That just ain't right. And the inconsistent connections, the having to authenticate. Bah.

Self-Promotion Time

2008-06-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

Please tune in or come:

This Thursday, June 26, I'm tagging along with Karl De Mesa for an interview on RX 93.1 It'll be at 9pm.

June 27, friday, I'll be part of the Read Lit District, the monthly reading organized by the CW Committee of the DECL. The reading will start at 4 at the Vargas Museum. Emil Flores will also be reading his fiction.

inches away from murder

2008-06-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

I stood at the MRT station this morning waiting for the train to arrive so I could get to a meeting. I, like everyone else at the station, had somewhere to get to. I feel that it is one of the primary failures and causes for bad behavior that people forget that everyone else there wants to get where they are going in the shortest amount of time as possible.

And so this lack of concern for other passengers and a focus on the self allows for treating all of the other passengers like crap. What's worse is that there is a total disregard for propriety, manners, or even being decent. The title of this entry is taken from the idea that earlier today, as the train slid into the station, I was pushed forward, almost straight into the train's path as it whizzed by. While death may not have been a sure thing if i had made contact with the MRT, something very bad would have happened to me. For what? because some asshole couldn't wait and had to push me in the way of the train so he could get closer?

There has to be some way to make a train ride, specifically the MRT ride, civil. Evidently all those signs aren't working at all. I saw a guy almost tackle a woman because she was trying to get out of the MRT and he wanted to get in. He just bowled over her. In no way can that be right. And we can assume that this person knows that it's wrong. So why did he still do it?

We know it's wrong to cut in line. And it saves us what, 20, 30 seconds when it comes to slipping your card in and getting out of the station. And still people do it.

I refuse to believe in some stupid idea that the Filipino lacks discipline. That's just us being racist against ourselves. It's a matter of us recognizing not the special qualities in ourselves, or as the school where I used to work loved to say ordinary giftedness. If we want this kind of behavior to end there has to be an acknowledgement of our belonging to this huge thing called the human race, and the small things we do as the things that define us, not to some god who will pass judgement, but rather for posterity, for when some civilization in the future finds us and says, man, is this what humans were all about?

attempts to establish a new moral compass

2008-06-21T08:14:00.000-07:00

I have found myself in recent days bombarded my impositions of faith, beliefs in some destiny guided by an invisible hand that has a grand plan. From people around to my own students who seem bent on getting me to believe in that absurd fiction known as Rick Warren's "Purpose Driven Life."

In reaction to these things I am coming slowly to the resolution to attempt to write about values in this blog. It may come as a surprise, but I do believe in values, and I do believe in morals. However, I see the need to redefine our sets of values.

Most of us base our moral compasses on religious beliefs. I have been feeling that the religious fervor can often lead to a loss of perspective. If you want a full chronicling of the negative effects of religion then look no further than Dawkins' The God Delusion.

I feel that this is a good time to try and reorient our moral compasses. But instead of religious belief being our north, I want us to focus on humanist belief. It's difficult to define this, I know. I would like the idea of the humanist belief approach to essentially mean that we make our decisions not based on the belief that there is something bigger out there we don't understand who dictates whether we get life eternal in paradise but rather that we make our decisions for the better of this world and for the advancement of the human race. I know it seems vague, but as I make entries reacting to various situations that attempt to make us reconsider our moral orientations then I hope that I too will be able to establish guidelines through situations and applications.

Running Apart from the Herd

2008-06-14T18:27:00.000-07:00

Interestingly, the book I mentioned before, Zimbardo's The Lucifer Effect, has been offering me many insights about the things that I went through with my previous teaching employment. Lord knows some bad things happened to me there. I had asked a colleague to try and make a study seeing how learned helplessness and how that might factor into how the system changes people, makes them do things they know they shouldn't.

Knowing the way that the authority imposed its will oftentimes without the clear thought of logic to justify, I found myself opposing the authority many times. Sadly, as I opposed most others complied or stayed quiet, one reason why I was regularly in trouble or seen as a troublemaker. Here's some stuff from the book that causes one to think about things.

I also taught some lessons on the hive mind, on the ability of the herd mentality to impose itself on people, and for our tendency to get sucked into thinking the same as others without our noticing. According to Zimbardo: "Resistance creates and emotional burden for those who maintain their independence- autonomy comes at a psychic cost." Means that while compliance is easy, opposing is hard because you know you're going against the others. In real, measurable terms, it's hard to be the lone person, one against the world, etc etc.

And Zimbardo continues: "...other people's views, when crystallized into a group consensus, can actually affect how we perceive important aspects of the external world, thus calling into question the nature of truth itself. It is only by becoming aware of our vulnerability to social pressure that we can begin to build resistance to conformity when it is not in our best interest to yield to the mentality of the herd."

It's difficult to draw lines. Conformity, following the herd, in the workplace, could mean the difference between permanency/tenure and having to update your resume at the end of the school year. We have to make compromises, granted. But those few who are willing to bear the emotional burden of opposition sadly must suffer further from the intolerance of people who just want to keep things quiet and simple.

Where does this lead us? In our upbringings, in our development as rational adults, how often are we faced with questions such as these? And how many people will find in themselves resistance to the dominant paradigm? How many will subscribe to what is imposed?

It's a big 1984 question. If the whole world tells you 2 + 2 =5 how inclined are you to believe. The psychological studies reveal that in the majority of cases the individual will agree with what the majority of people believe, whether it is true or not.

Can you imagine the kind of emotional trauma Copernicus or Galileo may have had to go through as they knew that the world was wrong? Copernicus sat on his discoveries til his death and Galileo was persecuted by the church.

We have to ask ourselves now, how much are we willing to sacrifice to prove something right, or to oppose a system in the wrong?

Pondering Violence

2008-05-15T06:51:00.000-07:00

I've just started reading Philip Zimbardo's The Lucifer Effect and it asks us not only to take a view of "evil" acts as being based on disposition but also situational and systemic factors. It argues about how environmental factors can influence behavior, based on his research such as the infamous Stanford Prison Experiment.

I got to thinking about myself and how I enjoy violence, or at least watching violence. I'm a huge action movie fan. And it got me to thinking about how much of a kick I get out of watching jack Bauer torture terrorists to get the necessary information from them. I even partook in that torture, kind of, when I played through the 24 game. The violence of games is admittedly excessive and again that prompts the question of how I can enjoy such things. Not only enjoy but actively seek such opportunities.

There are lots of questions that are prompted by our searching of these things. For example I would like to believe that I am a peace loving person, but I know, and sadly I do advocate sometimes, that violence is the best form of conflict resolution in certain situations. What does this say about us? Zimbardo says it's not the moral choices you make in situations you are comfortable with, but situations that are alien or that put unusual strains on us on which we are unsure of how to act that makes openings for "evil" behavior. But at the same time it allows us the opportunity of rising to the level of the heroic.

Blame the Big Boys

2008-05-10T20:25:00.000-07:00

I just read about two Pinoys getting screwed at Cannes. Congrats to them, that's great news. However I did read something that's disconcerting and that kind of irritated me. Somewhere in the article someone blamed Hollywood movies like Iron Man for the lull in the Pinoy film industry. I don't really think that's fair. To acknowledge that people are willing to shell out more for big budget flicks and to say that the media marketing machines behind these movies accounts for filling up the seats is acceptable. But to blame the bland Pinoy mainstream film scene on them is another thing altogether. It would be like blaming Dan Brown and J.K. Rowling for why Filipino writers don't get read as much.

I think that there are quite a few levels to it. First is our belief that the foreign product is superior. Take again the book example. We won't have trouble forking over say 700 bucks for a foreign book with nice publishing value, but then when a Filipino writer comes out with a book that's P250 people will say, Mahal naman. Now the great gap between our local stuff and a lot of Hollywood, even the Hollywood crap, is the production value. Undoubtedly a lot of theater-goers go for that. Effects even. Think, some of the local viewers are impressed with Enteng Kabisote.

Now I watched four films from the MMFF, and they were all pretty much garbage. Throw in artistas (we must draw a line between them and people who can actually act) some marketing gimik, a nice grant, and you've got a crappy MMFF film. A lot of the major studio productions offer similar things. Bland stories or things we've seen before and what advertisers like to refer to as star power.

As for the indie films, well they've got major problems in terms of distribution. There are a lot of talented indie filmmakers out there but they can't tap the market. One of the problems I see is that there is a divide between the indie filmmaker and the local viewer and this is probably one of taste or sensibility.

Think of our local poetry scene and how we have innumerable great poets, but how this seems to fall short in terms of being commercially viable. However people will go out and buy Bob Ong's books because they are entertaining. I'm not saying the poets should stop, in fact they should keep on because what they do is beautiful. And I'm not saying that people should not read Bob Ong. What I'm saying is that it might be possible to find some middle-ground.

I'm thinking this way because the big summer movie season's coming up and there's a lot of great films. I think that a lot of viewers pay to have an experience, to be transported, to feel that magic of movies. Our indie films are wonderful, very artistically made, but they don't really have the appeal of say, an Indian Jones movie. Anyone who's seen the opening sequence of Raiders of the Lost Ark knows that scene with the boulder. That's movie magic getting you to jump out of your seat. Or for me, how about the great Star Wars moments with the rousing John Williams score. Or when at the crack of dawn Gandalf arrives with the reinforcements just as Aragorn and his mates look like they'll be overwhelmed. Again there's some big production value involved there. But having watched something like On the Lot, you can see that in little doses there can be some big magic.

Let's see if there are some local filmmakers who can tow the line between indie and big production, if there are any that can deliver big fantastic moments. There is a market for big action adventure, which some feel they should blame for the bland local film production. but we're a country of fantasy, of adventure, of action, of magical stories. We see literature turning to these genres, how about our films going this way?

Finishing Recording

2008-05-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

Today Chupacabraz will be heading into the studio to hopefully finish our first album, Release the Evil. It's been a protracted affair, suffering starts and very long stops due to economics, busy schedules, and any other thing that you can throw at a band that doesn't really have time to make the band a priority. With the icing being put on the cake today we should be able to reproduce this within the next few months, again subject to budget constraints (how much does it cost to get an album reproduced?) and hopefully be selling this thing soon so that we can get a return on investment which should lead to maybe more recordings. This means that we'll probably be looking for gigs again to promote the album. After not gigging for somewhere near seven months, after Angel Radio last Tuesday the band got onstage on a whim and started rocking out. There's a very special chemistry and energy with this band when it's clicking. Stripped down and without playing together for months we delivered a strong, if short, set. I get a real kick out of Angel Radio, but there's something else that happens when you've got a full band charging ahead and plowing things over with this big sound. Angel Radio would be a smooth cool Smart Car buzzing through the lanes, Chupacabras would be a '57 Chevy, big and taking up the road. To be honest, interest has waned with the lack of gigging and the long time this recording has taken (by my accounts it's going on three years) but that mini-gig electrocuted me and brought some real enthusiasm back for me and finishing the album signals a step forward. It's been a long time coming, this step forward, but now it's here and it's one giant leap for the band. I hope that old fans will find something to come back to, and we can get some new fans in the process. Here are some links if you wanna get an idea of how we sound, if you haven't been to a gig.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4c0tyo0-CB4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEQziA21ywQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-Vagl9otG8

And here's our multiply. Please visit

http://loschupacabras.multiply.com/

Dog Days (Flash Fic?)

2008-05-07T09:08:00.000-07:00

When I was young my cousin, Ate Margaret, taught me something. We were walking down the street when a dog started barking at us. It slobbered and each time it barked it revealed its vicious fangs. At first it moved towards her. It barked, as if daring her to move. When she held her ground the dog started coming to me. “Mite nyur nung!” she screamed to me. I couldn't understand her. She screamed again, “Mite nyur nung!” I couldn't move. I wanted to run. As the dog came closer I could swear I could hear it smacking its lips in anticipation of a jaw-full of my flesh. “Bite your tongue!” Ate Margaret shouted just in time. I bit my tongue and for some reason the dog backed off.

When the dog had gone I asked her why the dog left. I asked why it was that it didn't bite me when I bit my tongue. She said that she didn't know. Someone older had taught her that. There wasn't any way to explain it. But it kept the dogs at bay.

Now Ate Margaret is dead.

Biting your tongue doesn't work anymore.

Dear Reader,

I'm not exactly sure if this is a piece of flash fiction, or if it should be a full-length short story.

writing math

2008-05-05T23:49:00.001-07:00

it's kind of funny that i'm writing for a math project. it's a tv show that's about math. i am terrible at that subject. math 17 being one of my first subjects in UP may have something to do with that trauma. in high school i failed to understand geometry and trigonometry but i managed to get by. the multiple takes of math at the college level, however, made math an evil and alien thing to me and i joined the many denizens who desired to bomb the UP math building. that building was filled with misery. now though, much later in life, and seeing all the practical applications, doing lots of reading on the natural sciences, and appreciating math more, i'm seeing that it's so rich. however, as i write the script i still have to holler for my sister to help me with these math problems. it's so sad i'm the only one of us sibs that didn't go to a science high. ah well.

attempts to be intellectual

2008-05-05T23:05:00.000-07:00

I hear that smart intellectual people listen to jazz and classical music. not only do they listen to it, but they also write poetry about that kind of music. me, i'm more of a classic rock, rock and roll, and hip hop kind of guy. but i said, hey maybe i'll be smarter and write better if i try the classical music. i tuned on to a classical music station through the itunes. it's alright but i'm not getting the adrenaline, the kick. i don't know. i'm appreciating it but i'm not feeling it in the way that it makes me write. i think i'm going back to my classic rock stations, but i will come back to this. maybe i'm just not ready for this yet.

It's good to see you all. It's good to see anybody.

2008-04-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

the title's a funny thing that Keith Richards says on the Shine a Light soundtrack. Listening to the album I was just telling Cha, man, this is how rock and roll should be. it oozes machismo. anything that Jagger says is rock and roll and they way that the Stones play is, to misuse the word, an institution.

These guys are old enough to be my grandparents, but check out how they play. When you say rock out, you might as well be referring to Stones even as they endure in their old age there is a fervor and virility that is rarely matched by contemporary bands of today. And the music lives and breathes and is just as powerful, 30, 40 years since they were first released.

I think that doctors should do some serious study on the Stones. How do they keep doing it? Whatever the Stones did to themselves in their youth, man we should be testing because look at them now and they are still at it.

Tweener

2008-04-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

The word tweener has come into vogue to refer to those kids who are between being a child and a teenager. basically the disney channel crowd. It's used in Prison Break to refer to that guy who was white but acted black.

I wonder now if tweener could refer to me as I was taking care of papers last week. For those friends who I haven't talked to in a while, I was doing requirements, putting all kinds of excretions into plastic containers, shuffling through paperwork, getting in lines, and generally doing all the red tape that gives our school the nickname University of Pila.

On the first day, as I was doing my physical exams and stuff like that, I was in line with the incoming freshmen. A good number were cutting in front of me, and where previously I would just fume and take comfort in the fact that karma would come to them one day, I was remembering their faces, just in case one of them made the mistake of enrolling in one of my classes after cutting in front of me in line.

There's a beautiful scene (well morbid beauty) in Breaking Bad where our hero Walt White has been cut off and generally been treated badly by an asshole businessman motorist who lacks real social skills but looks like he's racking in the dough for being an asshole. At the gas station the bad businessman goes into the convenience store chatting away on his bluetooth. Walt gets out of his car, grabs a squegee, and puts it in the guy's engine. As Walt walks away the engine explodes. I'm one for those cathartic moments, perhaps why I like that movie that with Michael Douglas Falling Down. Everyone wants to explode once in a while.

Anyways, I was there having to put up with the crazy lines and overzealous parents. It's very funny how people act when their kids get into UP. My mom's pretty reserved, i know she was proud of me but she never really showed it much to other people for fear that they would think nagyayabang siya. But I remember as a freshman the auditorium for one of the summer orientation sessions was half-filled with families, and I mean families with all the kids and the grandparents all excited that one of their angkan had gotten into UP.

The second day I was taking care of papers I was contending with the graduating kids who were all fired up to get their clearances and transcripts and the life, all ready to face the big bad real world. This was an easier affair as the soon to be graduates try to put off a cool i've been through it all air.

Ah but the lines, the lines. Now I wonder how things will be when I start teaching.

Updates

2008-04-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

Anyone who's talked to me recently knows how excited I am about the A-Team film that will be coming out supposedly next year. It doesn't matter who does it or who's in it, man I'm watching. As a kid I had a great time watching that show, and it was pretty important for me to watch that in my formative years. Granted a lot of it looks funny now, but when you get to the bare bones of it is was a group of guys who were trying to do right even though the world had done them wrong, and they were doing it by outsmarting everyone else.

Now it's great and I hope that the film makes me happy. All us big kids were happy to see the Transformers on the big screen. Whether it was a disappointment for you or not, whatever, you gotta admit you were happy it made it there. I was happy to hear that Knight Rider was coming out again. Sadly, it's a terrible show. Or what I've seen of it so far is terrible. Mostly laughable. The material has to be updated. To take something from the same creator, see what they did with BSG. It was supposed to be a Star Wars rip-off and it was super-campy, but look at how the update it, making powerful statements about the world we live in and telling a spellbinding story with characters we care about.

G.I. Joe's in the works now and it looks pretty good. I'm very excited about Get Smart, because I watched that show every night when I was a kid. I'm watching Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles and it plays it smart by trying to go deeper into the psyche of someone who knows what will happen in the future. It's also a pretty good case of cyber paranoia. There's just so much material there to build on, to play with. Is it a bad thing that we're updating things, does that mean we're out of ideas? I don't know. I have been making the claim that 24 is an update of Miami Vice (it is from the same creators) as it follows a cop who doesn't know how to draw the line and take care of his family. He goes under cover, loses himself in his work, and puts his family at risk. I had the same feeling watching jack Bauer try and save his family as I did when I watched the old series again and saw Crocket trying to save his family from people who had attacked his home.

I think that updating ideas is important. After all, all the stories have been told in this post-modern age. It's just how we tell that now that makes them different and special. Adam said Heroes is the 4400 except that 4400's better. I'm inclined to agree, but what Heroes did was it made the whole superhero concept accessible to a large audience. I think that we can see a lot of connections among shows. But again, it's how these things are thought out that makes them superior.

Take for example Breaking Bad, which was a show about a chemistry professor who starts making crystal meth. Man, we've seen stories of middle aged men going through a crisis, and we've seen stories about cancer patients trying to cope. And we've seen stories about druggies and the culture they inhabit. But the worlds that collide here is something new and dangerous and phenomenal. It's exhilarating to watch all the exciting moments, but there are also quiet family moments of tearjerking power.

So now, here are some updates i'd like to see, and maybe they will offer us some conclusive answers, unlike, say, Alvin and the Chipmunks.

1. Alf
2. MacGyver
3, Airwolf
4. Gilligan's Island (Like Lost, were they really meant to stay on the island? Did their island keep calling them back too?)
5. Parker Lewis Can't Lose
6. Weird Science (How does it end?)
7. Perfect Strangers

PC to Mac

2008-04-22T07:32:00.000-07:00

I've made the jump from PC to pack by buying a MacMini. Man you see it you can't say no with how much space it saves and the power it packs. Granted you won't be doing any heavy gaming with it, but for the simple home purposes I got it for, it's a great product.

i'm still figuring things out with the new OS and all that. Very weird that I have a bit of fear about these things and the possibility of breaking it,

I got fed up with viruses, with issues to do with my PC. I thought, why not try the other side as it boasts so much in terms of OS and superiority in various other ways. We shall see.

Any tips from anyone how to maximize my move to Mac? Suggestions on working with Leopard?

Ang Mga Mahal ng Diyos

2008-04-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

I was thinking earlier, as we (Cha, my mom, and I) were having dinner, about the whole religious thing my dad has been going through the past year and a half or so. We are not on speaking terms at all, he and I. So it's funny how recently he's been going on and on about his salvation, how he will be saved because of his faith even though he has been terrible, and continues to be terrible to his family and other people.

It's unusual. for example when he was down in the dumps his brothers and sisters didn't help him because he's not a part of their congregation. I don't know what that is but any group that tells you you shouldn't help your brother has just got to be dubious. And people who are terrible, but believe in their salvation thanks to faith, man that's either whack, or the workings of some mad god. Mahal ng Diyos ang mga kupal na tao? If that's the way they get into heaven, man I don't know. I'll go back to that old Groucho Marx quote if heaven's like that, I wouldn't join any club that would have me.

The Peelemma

2008-04-20T09:27:00.000-07:00

I'm working on an essay with my own neologism, the peelemma. sorry it's my word. my word. i thought of it. (unless someone i don't know has thought of it before. drats if so)

the idea is that it is a dilemma about peeing. either you have to pee but you're in a situation where you're not sure you should, say it's near the climax of the film and a trip to the bathroom might cause you to miss something important. but you really really gotta go.

Or you have to pee, and you can't.

I thought of this new word because i've been a victim of quite a number. i actually have further subdivisions and classifications of the peelemma, which will appear in the essay.

I think of writing about it because I was in a rather uncomfortable peelemma. as part of my entry to the DECL faculty i've got to go through physical tests. one of them is a drug test. I took my drug test early morning saturday,

While there I was given a sizable bottle which they said had to be filled to the bri. this meant some rather challenging dynamics in filling it up and timing it just right. I was not aiming for surface tension to be achieved mind you.

As I went into the bathroom to do my business the lady told me, "Ser kailangan medyo bukas po ang pinto." This introduces the problem of performance anxiety, the performance peelemma. I was having a hard time just because a woman was standing behind me and waiting for me to get done. I suddenl started worrying if I could manage to fill it up.

To further complicate the performance peelemma, as she was standing there she was approached by a gay officemate. Now I always have to have a disclaimer whenever I mention someone gay, so here goes; I've got lots of gay friends and I don't think of them any differently. However, there is that problem of a good number of gay men being rather, shall we say, loud. A little too loud. I don't know what it is, but they have this thing with volume. anyways, as i was trying to fill up the plastic cup, the gay man and the woman proceed to have a very loud conversation behind me. I'm big on psychic space and here was a definite violation.

For the first time in a long time I had to give my penis encouragement, "Come on, you can do it. Don't fail me now." We powered through together, but the whole process if giving all kinds of things for testing has been harrying. Let's not even talk about the shit sample, which I have renamed the unhappy sample.

On TV

2008-04-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

I was on TV friday. got interviewed for Korina Today because I was included in Tales of Enchantment and Fantasy and I am unemployed so I can easily be places where my better earning co-writers might not.

I was asked at a party Friday night, how was it like being in the studio. My response: Cold. The air-conditioning apparently has to be maxed out so that all the equipment doesn't overheat. It also turned me into a rather hairy pretzel.

It's funny how we react to people when they have been on TV. All these statements like, wow, you're a celebrity or something. I don't know how to take that. I've been interviewed and I have interviewed people onscreen before, but never someone with as much fame and mass appeal as my Friday interviewer.

I just wonder how people reacted to it particularly my unsual Chewbaccca growl. I'm normally pretty uninhibited doing my Wookie thing, but the whole pressure of being on TV took something out of my once-powerful ngaaaar.

I can only hope that the appearance generates some interest in the book and reading in general. A lot of us who write are rather shy about these kinds of things, it's kind of why we prefer to write. I know that I prefer to be behind that scenes rather than in front of the camera. But you realize that we have to do all that we can to get people to pay attention to our writing. I hope that the appearance moves units, generates buzz about literature, and hopefully young writers.

People who saw it, hey what did you think?

Wi-fi as a trend

2008-04-17T00:51:00.000-07:00

My friend adam has referred to me recently as a wi-fi whore. While adam has a penchant for referring to me in such terms, it does get one thinking about all this wi-fi wireless, bluetooth, digital media passing available int he here and now.

When I was a college freshman the in thing was the nokia 5110 and i thought that i wasn't doing to bad with a jazz page. Who would've thunk it? and what would contemporary TV be without these innovations? Without the proliferation of the cellphone what would watching 24 be like? And what would Chuck be without Call of Duty 4?

One problem I have now if finding places with decent free wi-fi. the starbucks branch that I used to visit is now charging a hundred bucks for an hour. yeeesh man. I predict that in the near future wifi and its being free will become a demand and eventually an expectation of competitive cafes and other similar establishments.

Lost Season 4

2008-04-14T07:54:00.000-07:00

I remember being on assignment when the first episode of Lost came out. I was in a hotel room watching that first episode and staying up late totally blown away by it. I've been watching the show ever since, at times disappointed but more often totally blown away or actually deeply affected emotionally.

Season 4 brings so many of those treats and so consistently. it's just a great viewing experience. The incorporation of even more sci fi and a stronger use of scifi elements only furthers the viewing experience.

i swear this whole thing is blowin my mind, just thinking about it the only bad thing is that lost's best season is also its shortest.

thoughts on education

2008-04-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

this title may be reused. i have many of them. but here's something i just read today, from How Computer Games Help Children Learn by David Williamson Shaffer:

Young people in the United States today are being prepared - in school and at home- for standardized jobs in a world that will, very soon, punish those who can't innovate. Our government and our schools have made a noble effort to leave no child behind: to ensure, through standardized testing, that all children make adequate yearly progress in basic reading and math skills. But we can't "skill and drill" our way to innovation. Standardized testing produces standardized skills. Our standars-driven cirriculim, especially in our urban schools, is not preparing children to be innovators at the highest technical levels that will pay off most in a high-tech, global economy.

Well some may feel the ideas are out of context, as this is an American writer referring to an American system, but keep in mind that our own educational system is based on that of the Americans.

Making this more relevant for me is the fact that the school where I used to teach modeled itself after the Americans and implemented whatever findings it could that were based on the Western models. I generally approve of new ideas, new theories, but in their implementation one must learn to localize. Need a good metaphor? Look at the tanks that fill up with sand and become dead weight in desert settings? that tank would have mowed people down and blown up buildings elsewhere, but in the desert it's just a big heap of metal if the sand gets into the machinery. So if we are to implement innovative ideas from elsewhere, then they should be implemented with a strong understanding of context.

i said this a lot. and i got in trouble for many things. ah well.

these ideas also caught my eye because my school of former employment was also wacky over standardized testing. test here, test there, table of specs, diagnostics, achievement tests, whatever whatever whatever, but then aside from not many students testing well, outside of the testing sphere there wasn't much that they could really accomplish in terms of thinking out of the box and solving real problems or understanding real contexts.

I believe that this world we live in, it's different. The world changes but people are the same. So we have to educate, we have to adapt, we have to learn with all these things in mind, with all the contexts that we occupy and must understand. And being given a list of what we ought to know on a very mechanical level, and answering tests that show students can perform those basic functions and that teachers can teach those basic functions just doesn't cut it. In the age of information we should be striving for more, we should be better.

Reformat/Unemployment and the Price of Gas

2008-04-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be changing the format of my blog. What's happened is that I would update sporadically and make long posts. Now I'll be going for shorter posts and more frequency. Let's see how it goes.

So the first post in the new format has to do with economics, which means that though I shoot for brevity, this may be long despite the change in format.

Well, I've got no work til June. No employee work anyway. I am on the prowl for rackets though, as is Cha, who resigned a few weeks after I did. So we're both down to our last pay checks and clinging on to the hope that we can stop spending and thus hold out until the final pay we'll receive gets to us. But this week sees us visiting Serendra twice and that's a wallop in terms of gas sadly. I had not really been watching the gas trends until I started splitting gas costs with Cha. Seeing the thing hit 47 was crazy. We were getting a full tank of gas and what was formerly 1200 went on going and going. We cringed waiting for the thing to top out and it just wouldn't, that price kept rising til it got to near 1700. This and the other option of commuting looking similarly unsavory as there seems to be a looming fare increase that is supposedly going to make it 9 bucks for basic.

What does this bode for us? Everyone's screaming crisis and I am inclined to join that line. Cost of rice is crazy and going to the groceries, man, i mean, just buying a few cuts of meat costs an arm and a leg. But a good economy thrives on a good balance of savings and consumption. How will we save, and how will we consume, if everything's so expensive. I'm inclined to try and stay at home as much as possible to save money. besides it costs so much to just leave the house anyway.

but aside from complaining we have to start asking for tangible answers to these problems that are hitting us over the head. how do we address the food problem? many of the reasons behind it are ones that are very difficult to face, for example overpopulation. or how about the consumption of first world countries? and while we're talking about excessive consumption anyhow, we best mention fuel and first world countries and everyone with their SUVs. we need better options.

i though of getting an electronic motorcycle. but charging time takes 6 hours. and it'll only run for 1 hour. and only at 20 mph max. that's just plain inefficient. so we need to be offered options that work within the contexts of our lives.

who will answer these questions? who will address the various problems at various levels of society? do the decision makers for example take into account the tricycles and how much they pollute? but how they are also a necessity in many communities. What's to be done? Subsidized transportation? like the MRT which has many flaws and though i'm happy with it is the subject of many complaints.

when will we get answers?

The Failed Experiment

2008-02-20T21:53:00.000-08:00

I suppose that this entry should be longer and might become a full blown essay, but it seems right to put something here and now. It's over.

After two years of teaching high school, I've resigned. With the myriad conflicts that I've faced, it's a wonder that I lasted this long. It wasn't a well-thought out thing to begin with, but then very few things that I do are. It was a good idea at the time. So I started teaching in an exclusive girls' school. I thought, hey I'm done with the crazy days of my life, I'm ready to settle down and become part of a system, to try and do something important by teaching.

Well, system wasn't ready for me. And no matter how much I tried to avoid trouble and keep my head down, I was always getting into trouble. One case after another, one even leading to "anger management" sessions while the actual students who perpetrated the whole shenanigan got away with nary a slap on the wrist. Complaints about my behavior which was irreverent led to many uncomfortable meetings. I don't know; it's like those cowboy movies (and please, kung pwede lang, if I make mention of cowboy movies can we not fall into that stupid too easy trap where one mentions brokeback mountain and winks as if he were a genius for injecting some homoerotic humor that is not there) where this guy just wants to go out to a quiet town and keep his head down and do honest work and disappear. But then, some way or another, something comes to haunt him, to bring out that thing that he's been trying to keep quiet. Think of Viggo Mortensen in A History of Violence and you've got a similar idea.

I thought I could keep quiet and just do my work. But there are too many things that I could not stomach, and I just can't keep my big mouth shut. You can try to change yourself, you can try to change the system, and if both fail, well, you have to leave the system.

What kept me here last year was the way that I felt I was able to affect students, to influence them to do well using my own methods, my way of teaching. But this year, the students' reactions aren't as enthusiastic. In fact, though there are a number that have responded, I feel that I've been met more with resounding indifference. The big bosses in charge also seem to have clamped down, and I've just done too many bad things for this fiasco to go on.

The question is always, where will you go now? What do you plan to do? I don't know.

At the moment I really want to stand outside the school and scream *&%^ #*# all! It would be a moment of great catharsis. For all that I have endured, for everything that I went through while here, god i feel like I deserve to do something massive and memorable and big. But I think I'll leave with little more than a whimper, just to be gone.

Goodbye students. No more pencils, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks. School's out for summer. School's out forever.

God Rocks!/ Recessions EP

2008-02-10T07:30:00.000-08:00

With my brother's arrival comes my guitar hero 3 and les paul controller. Woohoo. And hence the title God rocks. I've unlocked the God of Rock, and well, it's pretty awesome watching him churn out the riffs.

For the record, i'm not very good at guitar hero. I can pull off a few songs, sure, but i'm still workin on it, needing the practice. It's, funnily enough, got nothing to do with how you play real guitar, except for keeping in time. But nonetheless, it's a helluva lot of fun. and as always the songs you get to play to are killer, some from the ancient baul of rock. Sad thing is that the contemporary rock just doesn't measure up. Rock out to Metallica's "One" and "Welcome to the Jungle" or even "My Name is Jonas" or "Even Flow" and the stuff that's from the past coupe of years really fails to measure up. Here I go again bashing contemporary rock, but hey, it's just not happening like it used to.

Like a relationship, when it's not happening anymore either you find something to bring the passion back (which rock isn't doing) or you wind up looking elsewhere (like I look to hip-hop, or look nostalgically back at the time when rock knew how to, well, rock).

This discontent with contemporary music served as some of the fuel for playing with Chupacabras. OF course easy is an outstanding songwriter, and anyone would like to work with someone like him. But there was also our clear vision of rock and what we wanted to sound like. As I always mention, the band's still finishing the album, but angel radio has regular gigs. Two this week, tuesday at magnet katipinan, friday at magnet high street.

And as a side project to the side project, Cha and I did this EP thing for school. Faculty has to come up with artwork, so we did a garage recording with the help of student Justine Serrano who did all the tech recording and mixing and everything for us. We're calling it Recessions since we recorded almost all of it during the recess and lunch breaks. There are only about 30 copies, but we hope that we can sell them all. What we did was we just took some songs from the angel radio playlist and recorded them in a very raw way. It's so raw that you can hear the ambient sounds like electric fans in the neighboring room and the loud laughter of students from across the way. If we could, we would've come out with something studio sounding, but we made do with what we had, and it was a fun experience. I'd listen to it. But hey I made it.

Last new development is the fact that i'm typing this entry on my brand spanking new asus eee. I could never afford a laptop before, and this isn't much of one in terms of power, but then it's pretty functional and I can't complain at all as it's been serving me well the past couple of days and helping me get a lot of writing done.

lyrical ruminations

2008-01-27T02:24:00.000-08:00

This was a hell of a week. Went as follows: Premier, gig, premier, gig, meeting for hiphop movie. Saturday was a small respite followed by today which I spent most of hammering out a scene breakdown of the film. I've still got a review to write later and a short story that's been commissioned and due for the end of feb. Oh, and i'm waiting for those submissions from all of you interested in writing for 1-Up.

It's weird that I'm working on a hip-hop film. It's something I've always enjoyed. No doubt if you catch a chupacabraz gig (yes I know there's a scarcity these days) you'll see our love for hip hop rear its head. It's interesting though that Cha told me the other day that by looking at me you'd never think that I knew a lot about hip hop or listened to rap. music afficionado, yes, hip hop scholar, no.

Brings back memories of those first few days in this country when I was asked the ever crucial, dividing line question of the time, hip hop ka ba, o metal?

At the time, hip hop. And things changed. Still today i've got a strong inclination to listen to hip hop along with everything i'm listening to. Granted i'm overdosing on the boss and bob dylan. But I'm also rocking out to kanye and common.

One of the guys i'm working on the hip hop project with hooked me up with some Stephen Marley, which is some pretty good stuff. And i've been listening to blue scholars and lupe fiasco. Man, lupe fiasco's daydream (i think that's the title) is such an awesome track, through and through, and it makes a powerful statement about pop music.

blue scholars is some mind-blowing hiphop. If you are disgusted by the senselessness of hiphop on the radio, (God save us all from sean kingston, akon, and soulja boy) then it's time to start digging blue scholars' rhymes. They're intelligent, socially aware, and know how to lay down awesome beats like no other. For those interested, i've posted a couple of videos on my multiply. Screw the social justice blah blah i'm made to teach. If only I could pop in some blue scholars and let them do the talking, maybe, maybe something might get through. Oh, another one of those selling points, they're pinoy! well, at least the rapper is anyway. too bad that we don't pay as much attention to him as other pinoy hip hop artists who barely measure up artistically.

in terms of social awareness and the like, i always fall back on springsteen and his ability to portray the plight of his countrymen with a concern and love that is rare. i'm not the only one to pick up on this, and i've just gotten a book called bruce springsteen's america which shows how non-fans and various people have responded to springsteen's music. it's really interesting stuff. written by pullitzer prize winner robert coles, it gives voice to those listeners whose voices springsteen emulates. it also situates him in the pantheon of american poetry, with coles comparing springsteen to walt whitman and william carlos williams.

Before Chinese Democracy

2008-01-16T06:05:00.000-08:00

It's getting pretty tough to answer the question, "When's the album coming out?" I attempt to cough and cover up and say, "Ahem, mmm, aherm, patapos na, ahem, ahem, cough cough." I mention it because, I think it might set a record, being second only to Guns N' Roses' Chinese Democracy, for most times that a release date has been moved.

Chinese Democracy is getting on around ten years and still nothing really in sight. I'm loading a supposed single from the album on youtube, but well, there's still nothing on the record rack. We've already seen most of the GnR move to superband Velvet Revolver, but that only further piques our interest in what Axl will come up with.

I get to talking about GnR because I've just picked up the greatest hits. What I've really been looking for is some 20th century anniv rerelease of Appetite for Destruction, but you take what you can get. I've been wanting to get it so that I could let Cha have a good listen.

One of the cool things about a recent party that we went to was that thanks to her exposure to Guitar Hero 3 she's gotten very very interested in heavy guitar rock. It's a cool feature in our relationship that we both love music very much, but we've been listening to very different kinds of music. Thus while she teachers me about classical music and jazz and the formal elements of music theory, I'm getting her to listen to The Beastie Boys and RATM, and GnR.

Listening to GnR brings back a lot of memories. I remember watching that concert video from Use Your Illusion over and over when I was in high school. That stuff was so awesome, it really helped to define my concept of rock and roll. Of course there are some things that are more cerebral or more technically proficient, but it's hard to find a band with the loud, raunchy, bash down the doors sound of GnR.

If anything though, this purchase of yet another greatest hits album shows the lack of great stuff at the record store. There are some beautiful albums that are out there, but they aren't sold at our local music stores (bibili na nga ng orig, wala naman dito)so there you go, another argument for piracy and downloads. And it goes to show that finding some great guitar rock is so difficult these days.

2008-01-09T05:00:00.000-08:00

SAIS

2008-01-02T19:01:00.000-08:00

Hey all, consider this entry an invite to contribute to Adam David's anthology SAIS, a collection of six word stories. Yep. If you'd like a backgrounder on the six word story, google that and wired, you'll find wired magazine's feature on it done by some of the most brilliant writers around.

anyways, adam's putting together a collection. very simple submission requirements, six word short stories, submit six of them to juncruznaligas@gmail.com. 6 stories, 6 words each. He'll have some people illustrating it. very cool stuff. the call for stories got me into a creative spurt. here are the ones i came up with.

What was left, we couldn’t salvage.

She didn’t have to say anything.

Before detonation, I will be illuminated.

I falter and recover every moment.

Attempts to recalibrate my worldview fail.

Do her eyes twinkle for me?

Three red lights. Why, Xbox360, Why?

I thought I could hide it.

I look at stars and dream.

It would have been funny, except—

Laws to be enforced—Philippine Government.

The asteroid was beautiful from afar.

She withheld kisses, but drew close.

I’m not addicted, I just need—

Apocalypse is imminent. Let’s have sex.

“Admit it!” “No!” “Admit it!” “No!”

In the digital world, I dominate.

Noobs, cry now for your mothers!

Supernova’s only pretty from other galaxies.

God disproven. Religious fundamentalists: “Now what?”

This blood here, it isn’t mine.

But I thought you were dead!

I didn’t mean to. Just happened.

Condom broke. The miracle of life!

My genes made me do it.

She said no. I insisted. Ouch.

In the moonlight she revealed fangs.

Heart burns from burgers, not love.

If only this probe would stop.

Merchant without goods

2008-01-02T06:21:00.000-08:00

This blog has pretty much gone into a coma last few months. Too many things have happened, and sadly, my writing is the first thing to suffer.

Though writing is so important to me, it's the first thing that gets cut once turmoil sets in. well, even the sniffles get me off the track. So much seems to have to go right for me to get into the flow of writing, but the simplest thing, like the darn sniffles that have bothered me the holidays and the teary eye that's back at the worst time.

Updates, things new:

Books, yeah!

Well, I've found myself in a couple of books, both edited by Vince Groyon. Short Stories for Harried Readers is already available in national. It's a collection of stories supposedly under 500 words. I went over the word count, but still made the list. According to Adam David, it's a pretty good collection, entertaining at least.

The other book's A Different Voice, it's the anthology released by Philippine PEN by young writers born after 1962. Fine, fine, that's not really young if you're born after 1962, but in general the collection is made up of young and up and coming writers.

I'm supposedly coming out in a couple more books in the coming months. much excitement. plus there's the hope that maybe in the next few years there will be that much fantasized book with my name on the spine.

Music

Chupacabraz is still finishing the album. Don't ask me. It'll be done soon. I hope.

On the upside, Angel Radio will be having weekly gigs at Magnet Katipunan. Rock's asked us to kind of mix Angel Radio with Cha's solo set, so it's going to be some of our stuff together, plus her solo, and hope it sounds alright. I'm pretty sure it will. We'll be playing bonifacio high street twice in january supposedly. see how these things pan out. it's not only that it's fun to be in a band with my girlfriend and a close friend who i connect with very well on a musical level, but the music that we're playing is stuff that no other band would try. I love the range of things that we play. How many people have you heard cover Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" for their acoustic night gigs? Or Bruce Springsteen? "Feel Flows?" "Nightswimming?" "Shooting Star?" These songs, these are songs that I love, and I love performing them. I suppose that's the exciting thing, finally getting to play these songs that I've always appreciated and wanted to play. And even though we're working the kinks out, man rolling out those fast parts in "Thunder Road" and trying to emulate the boss's emotional intensity is definitely a high point for me when we perform.

Listening is a different thing. I've picked up the essential bob dylan. And in the packet of Springsteen books that Cha gave me for Christmas, she included a copy of the essential springsteen, which we'd been scouring the city for months looking for. and my cousin sent me a copy of born to run. which, now that i own it, i can officially say is my favorite album of all time. it's just an amazing piece of work, a tremendous vision. It's all the things that have been written about it, truly a grand rock and roll opus. Any LEAP students who stumble across this, expect that this will be part of our study in the coming quarter.

I think that the depth and perception with which both dylan and springsteen tell their stories comes from their being attuned to the worlds that they inhabit, to the things around them. There's something in their songwriting, which in essence is also powerful storytelling, that we find missing in most contemporary music. It's no wonder that Dylan's Modern Times in 2006 and Springsteen's Magic in 2007 were strong contenders for album of the year. Think, these guys who could probably qualify for social security benefits in a few years (if they don't yet)are still making powerful statements with rock music. Rock is about rebellion and youth, yes, but in your old age, what should you make of it? Does it become the stuff that our parents listen to on a Sunday morning, or does it still find a way to be relevant, to make commentaries about the world in which it inhabits? Obviously I am not of the emo mind which finds its artists content with pushing forty and still whining about the prom.

I'm looking to pick up the album by MIA, which though it tops the Rolling Stone list for album of the year, can't be found on the shelves of the local stores. And friend and rapper Tukoy will be hooking me up with albums from rap group Blue Scholars, which I'm looking forward to.

Also, if anybody's downloaded and cobbled together soundtracks for Guitar Hero 2 and 3, please hook me up. After a party at Ed's, Cha has gone made for the games and the music.

Movies

My film viewing goes on. The MMFF thus far has been dismal. Saw Bahay Kubo: Terrible. Sakal, Sakali, Saklolo: Tolerable. Resiklo: had its moments, though most of the time my friends and I were laughing and we weren't supposed to be. has all the things that make filipino movies bad, but has some scenes worth watching.

I've noticed that the MTRCB writes reviews and gauges their ratings on the moral value of a film. Imagine though, the managed to find some redeeming moral value in Death Proof. I loved Death Proof, but who goes into that expecting redeeming moral value? In any case, these ratings actually serve as endorsements of film's moral content. I mean, where did you see a ratings and censorship board say of a film, "Nice movie?" Isn't that overstepping their bounds, which are to rate and censor, not to judge for moral content? or does that spill over? I'm not sure, the case could be argued, but i'd be happier if the MTRCB quit writing reviews of these films based on moral content.

I'm working on a few film projects at the moment, exciting and tough stuff. can't get into it here though.

and well, all these movies have been waiting to be seen on my shelf. Once upon a time in the west has been eyeing me doggedly. darn holidays, when will the schedule let up? will it be when i finally join the unemployment line?

Games

New Year's Resolution: Play more games!

Inviting discourse

2007-09-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

Well, i had an intersting chat with kael the other night, and i thought there are some pretty good ideas here. Hope y'all sift through it, and i'm hoping for at least a few comments and reactions to the discourse...

Carl Javier: tanong tungkol sa pagsusulat. ayos lang, busy ka?
mikael co: deyn naman shot
mikael co: shoot
Carl Javier: ok, so, medyo may mga shit akong naiisip recently about writing, example
Carl Javier: naisip ko, minsan dami kong excuses hindi magsulat
Carl Javier: tapos nagisip ako, what could cause it
Carl Javier: tapos kunwari, performance anxiety
Carl Javier: like sa sex
Carl Javier: na hindi ok yung gawa mo
mikael co: o go on
Carl Javier: so idea ako na connect ko ang lack of writing to sexual dysfunctions
Carl Javier: tapos yung isa, yung idea lang na punong puno ako ng narrative
Carl Javier: naisip ko lang kasi kanina nanunood ako ng olats na pelikula
Carl Javier: naghahanap ako ng narrative threads
mikael co: o
Carl Javier: tapos naisip ko, parang medyo napapabayaan ko na ang buhay ko
Carl Javier: at kwento ng buhay ko
Carl Javier: dahil engrossed ako sa mga ibang narratives, nalimutan ko na ang overall thrust ng sariling narrative
mikael co: o
Carl Javier: so yun, medyo writing oriented tong topics and dilemmas na gusto kong isulat
Carl Javier: tapos ang iniisip ko, at eto na ang tanong
Carl Javier: meron ako dating thing na, don't write about writing, kasi ang yabang ng dating
mikael co: o
mikael co: o
Carl Javier: so, mayabang nga ba masyado?
mikael co: hmm.
mikael co: ganito, sa tingin ko lang, a:
mikael co: kung sabihin kong malaki ang titi ko, mayabang ba?
Carl Javier: sige,
mikael co: minsan, oo. minsan, hindi.
mikael co: depende sa pagkakasabi.
mikael co: there are ways of writing about writing
mikael co: na hindi arogante ang dating.
Carl Javier: ok
mikael co: so you want to write a narrative, a story about writing, ganun ba?
mikael co: tapos what's keeping you is that pakiramdam mo, mayabang ang dating nu'n?
Carl Javier: oo, pero writing about not being able to write
mikael co: hmm.
Carl Javier: kasi yung issues ko about writing fiction
mikael co: how about, write it as non-fiction?
Carl Javier: yeah. iniisip ko kasi, medyo threshold point sa akin to
Carl Javier: having to establish a career as something else and decide how to continue the creative writing career
Carl Javier: kasi nga ang issue minsan, that i worry about, bakit ka nagsusulat tungkol sa pagsusulat? anong karapatan mo?
mikael co: hmm. i get that all the time too.
mikael co: i totally understand.
mikael co: pero hmm.
mikael co: i'm trying to articulate how i approach it...
mikael co: i guess, hmm,
Carl Javier: i mean, kaartehan lang ba? kasi nga eto ang project na interesting, pero eto ang worries to it
mikael co: no way around it. bok.
mikael co: i mean,
mikael co: if you feel compelled to write something,
mikael co: even if it would sound arrogant, or self-aggrandizing, and maybe at times even stupid,
mikael co: you have to get over that fact. embrace all those apprehensions,
mikael co: and tell yourself, to hell with this.
Carl Javier: work them in?
mikael co: in a way, yeah,
mikael co: that'd be a way to approach it,
mikael co: work them in, in a tongue-in-cheek manner,
mikael co: or overdo it, para magtunog na sarcastic at self-reflexive
mikael co: so in the end, it'd have a self-deprecating tone.
mikael co: but still, pag binasa siya, depsite of that,
mikael co: may mapupulot ang reader.
mikael co: mas okey ang ganun, rather than sound
Carl Javier: yeah. hmm, sa bagay, mas mahirap na project, mas malaking potential for something to happen
mikael co: pretentious, or trying to affect a fals modesty or something.
mikael co: interested ka recently sa science, right?
mikael co: have a look see:
Carl Javier: yeah
mikael co: http://poetrymagic.co.uk/literary-theory/the-new-science.html
mikael co: mas buo:
mikael co: http://www.textetc.com/theory/the-new-science.html

mikael co: mas okey yung 2nd
Carl Javier: hmm, baka makatulong sa akin to. gumagawa ako ngayon ng paper about schiller, and science, and drives, yung nasa blog ko ba
mikael co: saw it, yeah
mikael co: schiller...
mikael co: old german dude, dead, ka-bathc ni heidegger?
mikael co: o si scheller ba yun?
mikael co: i think you have to read scheller too, if you're reading science.
mikael co: i mean,
mikael co: read *about* scheller, max scheller,
mikael co: kasi medyo mahirap siyang intindihin. haha.
mikael co: pero--
Carl Javier: ah, friedrich von schiller ang gimik ko e
mikael co: ah
mikael co: well, si scheller di scientist
mikael co: he was championing the idea
mikael co: na ang science is just another rationality in a vast multiplicity of rationalities,
mikael co: and that
mikael co: i dunno
Carl Javier: thanks dude, makakatulong yung article sa paper ko
mikael co: parang siya ang "god" metanarrative
mikael co: ng traditional times.
Carl Javier: yun nga lang, kung multiple rationalities, well, pwede rin.
mikael co: parang science took the place of god.
mikael co: isang araw let's talk about this.'
Carl Javier: hmm. oo nga. ang galing kasi nakikita ko maraming overlaps ng science and literature
Carl Javier: recent, lecture ako about zombies and shit
mikael co: like?
Carl Javier: tapos napagusapan, how do you define the undead
Carl Javier: sabi ko, one of the primary definitions of the undead is something that cannot procreate
Carl Javier: so unnatural ang means ng pagpaparami niya
mikael co: o nga no.
Carl Javier: say, zombies bite
Carl Javier: and vampires turn people
Carl Javier: tapos sa evolutionary biology
Carl Javier: pag-baog ka, you are considered genetically dead
Carl Javier: so medyo wasak yun
Carl Javier: if you cannot procreate, if you cannot pass on your genes, you are already considered, in a way, dead, scientifically
Carl Javier: tapos may new scientist who are turning to hume and his epistemological theories as a starting point for new studies in neuroscience
mikael co: o nga.
mikael co: ah.
Carl Javier: e yun. tapos we see writers like david foster wallace starting to write science books
Carl Javier: so ang ganda ng overlaps para, sobrang exciting. wala lang. yun
mikael co: oo oo.
Carl Javier: sobrang salamat dun sa link. magagamit ko sa paper
mikael co: oo oo. ako rin gagamitin ko 'to.
Carl Javier: swak yun
mikael co: may incomplete pa ako sa crisis of contemporary reason, e.
Carl Javier: ginagawa ko pinapasadahan ko yung science books uli para ma-identify yugn parts
mikael co: nice
Carl Javier: shit. na-eexcite uli ako magsulat
Carl Javier: feeling ko medyo olats yung nangyari dun sa script ko for khavn
mikael co: check out mo yung buong site, ang galing din dude
mikael co: http://poetrymagic.co.uk
Carl Javier: but it lit a fire up my ass
mikael co: bakit?
mikael co: okey nga, e!
Carl Javier: so may mga iba akong gustong gawin na shit
Carl Javier: o?
mikael co: ah
mikael co: i mean, okey yung script for khavn.
Carl Javier: eto, dude, may gimik ako naisip for cha
mikael co: o
Carl Javier: gagawa kami ng album, title niya romantic comedy soundtrack
Carl Javier: so yun
Carl Javier: kasi may mga instrumentals siya na maganda
mikael co: okay
Carl Javier: tapos fill in with other stuff
mikael co: you mean, the two of you lang
Carl Javier: gusto mo mag-contribute?
mikael co: di ko gets
mikael co: kanta?
Carl Javier: yeah
mikael co: tula?
Carl Javier: song lyrics
mikael co: ako? i don't write songs, dude. never written them.
Carl Javier: well, that's ht eplan
Carl Javier: ako rin dude
Carl Javier: i've never written a song, or not one worth playing anyway
mikael co: me too
Carl Javier: pero the situation calls for songs
Carl Javier: i mean, she needs them
Carl Javier: so nagisip na lang ako ng structure that i could work with
Carl Javier: na ok ang love songs
Carl Javier: tapos invite some friends to contribute lyrics too
Carl Javier: yun
mikael co: ah
Carl Javier: nakakaisip ako ng projects, thanks dun sa sinulat ko for khavn. if anything, yun ang tulong nun
Carl Javier: kaw ba nag-translate nung script?
mikael co: yep
mikael co: wanna see my translation?
Carl Javier: sige. nakwento ba ni khavn sa yo?
Carl Javier: sinulat ko initially in filipino?
mikael co: eyng?!
mikael co: di nga....?
Carl Javier: tapos sabi niya, english na lang, hahaha
mikael co: tapos, what happened?
mikael co: ahahaha
Carl Javier: yun, sinulat ko na lang in english kasi naramdaman ni khavn na hindi ko masabi ang gusto ko
mikael co: a okey
mikael co: so paano ka ba inapproach ni khavn dito? binayaran ka ba?
mikael co: alam mo, umabot na sa puntong nahihiya yata akong magpabayad kay khavn.
Carl Javier: nakikinig ako ngayon ng new album ni kanye west, off topic. wasak dude, may umiikot sa steely dan riff and vocal melody
Carl Javier: ibang klase tong animal na to
Carl Javier: walang bayad
Carl Javier: alala mo painom mo?
Carl Javier: sabi niya collaborate kami. sabi ko oo
Carl Javier: set kami meeting sunday
mikael co: ah
Carl Javier: kita kami sunday afternoon, akala ko naman exploratory shit lang
Carl Javier: kasi usually ganun, usap usap, bato ideas. after a few meetings like that, saka pa lang gawa ng script
Carl Javier: after namin magusap, tinanong niya bigla, anong oras ko mabibigay yung script
Carl Javier: wasak
mikael co: hahaha
mikael co: ako tinawagan ako tuesday.
mikael co: sabi niya kailangan wednesday night translation,
Carl Javier: yung ano pare, yung nagkita tayo sa ateneo
Carl Javier: dapat meeting yun
mikael co: sabi ko di kaya. gimme till thursday 6am
mikael co: a okey
mikael co: eto pala nagnyari--
Carl Javier: sabi lang, inglesin ko na lang, tapos sabi mas wasak
Carl Javier: tapos send sa yo
Carl Javier: o sige
mikael co: kasi i've been translating a lot of poetry recently, kaya akala ko mahirap magtranslate ng iba-- yung attention sa line cuts, language, etc.
mikael co: e di ba medyo mahaba ang script mo
mikael co: anyway, i thought it'd take me the whole night to get it done
Carl Javier: ok
mikael co: pero pag-upo ko, pare, ang natural ng flow ng sentences mo, kaya ang daling i-translate. and of course, may license naman ako kay khavn
mikael co: na magbago at magdagdag at agbawas, what i saw fit
mikael co: pero wala naman akong ginalaw sa substance niya,
mikael co: dire-diretsong translate lang
mikael co: so i got it done in under an hour.
Carl Javier: pare wasak nga ang mga nabago mong lines. yun yung hinahanap ko na hindi ko nalagay
Carl Javier: actually, madali ko lang din nasulat
Carl Javier: first draft mga three hours
Carl Javier: tapos one hour of revision
Carl Javier: madali ngang isulat
Carl Javier: ok nga ba? i mean, ako natatakot ako lagi sa gawa ko
mikael co: oo pare
mikael co: par natuwa ako galing
Carl Javier: nahihiya ako humirit kay khavn kung ok e
mikael co: tangina ba't ba tayo kailangan pang dumaan kay khavn, e kaya naman nating mag-isip nito...
mikael co: kung magsulat kaya tayo ng sariling mga screenplays?
Carl Javier: oo nga e
Carl Javier: actually, pare, kahapon nagaaral kami sa class ng romantics
Carl Javier: preface to the lyrical ballas
Carl Javier: ballads
mikael co: o
Carl Javier: tapos so wordsworth, will take the natural and defamiliarize it
Carl Javier: and coleridge will take the supernatural and make it natural
Carl Javier: so meron 2 corresponding, complementary tracks of poetry
Carl Javier: naisip ko, gusto ko rin ng ganung project
mikael co: not really well-versed sa kanila, pero go on
Carl Javier: naisip ko, either ikaw o si adam
Carl Javier: well for example si wordsworth
mikael co: o
Carl Javier: kukuha siya ng simpleng bagay, tapos he will elevate it so that it is magical
Carl Javier: on the other side, so coleridge kukuha siya ng magical or supernatural thing, and he will write it as if it were part of our lives, or told something of the ordinary life
Carl Javier: so they attack poetry from two opposite directions, but they are complemetary
mikael co: ah
Carl Javier: nagiisip ako, astig ngang project yan, contemporary na ganyan, but instead of the natural/supernatural, siguro meron naman tayong ibang pwede tulaan na makabagong dichotomy
mikael co: hmm, resistant ako sa ganyan, pero the way yuo put it, parang workable
mikael co: i mean, galit ako sa dichotomies, e
mikael co: hahaha
Carl Javier: kasi outlines lang siya pare
Carl Javier: the idea of wordsworth and coleridge is that they saw the poetry as a whole, organic things
Carl Javier: thing
Carl Javier: pero para mapakita ang pwedeng gawin ng tula
Carl Javier: they showed the extremes, the two poles that you could come from in creating it
Carl Javier: so, hindi siya two opposing things na dichotomy
Carl Javier: but rather they saw a whole thing
mikael co: off topic for a while...
mikael co: "Nor can we get outside language to some purer mode of understanding. No doubt words mirror objects imperfectly, but it is on their multiple reflecting surfaces that truth become visible."

Carl Javier: and decided, how can we divide this among ourselves
mikael co: from http://poetrymagic.co.uk/literary-theory/hermeneutics.html
Carl Javier: hmmm
mikael co: sorry ha, multitasking ako, and that line just struck me sorry hhaa
Carl Javier: shit, diyan pumapasok ang bagong neural mapping
Carl Javier: galing ng line
Carl Javier: image of multiple reflecting surfaces. wasak
mikael co: heto ang buo:
mikael co: "And whereas Habermas sees language as a sedimented ideology, full of undisclosed corruptions and prejudices that analysis must bring to light, Gadamer finds these corruptions and prejudices as constitutive of understanding. There is no language free of them. Nor can we get outside language to some purer mode of understanding. No doubt words mirror objects imperfectly, but it is on their multiple reflecting surfaces that truth become visible."

mikael co: hahaha read up on gadamer and habermas na lang bok, hehe
mikael co: sorry
Carl Javier: wasak.
Carl Javier: yun nga lang hindi ganyan ang approach namin ngayon e
Carl Javier: mas epistemology shit kami e
mikael co: okay
mikael co: this is hermeneutics
Carl Javier: pero wasak yan a
mikael co: not so different
mikael co: epistemology, the nature of knowlege, parang ganun, no?
Carl Javier: yeah ang alam ko sa semiotics how the symbols becomes and changes
Carl Javier: parang ganun
Carl Javier: epistemology, yung how we perceive
Carl Javier: sa epistemology, subject ang mahalaga
Carl Javier: it is how we perceive the thing that defines it
mikael co: ah
Carl Javier: ganito, parang yung may tiningnan tayong dalawa
Carl Javier: you will see it in one way, say blue
mikael co: gets ko
Carl Javier: you are not sure that i perceive it in the same way as blue
mikael co: o
Carl Javier: pero nagkakaroon lang ng universality because there are certain things that are immutable
Carl Javier: for example, sugar
mikael co: hmm
Carl Javier: no matter how i perceive sugar
Carl Javier: we will always agree that sugar is sweet
mikael co: hmm...
Carl Javier: based on that premise, there can be certain universal aesthetic and moral tenets
Carl Javier: kay kant naman, ang subjective universality
Carl Javier: kumbaga, it is something you do because you believe it is something that should be enacted as law
mikael co: ah kabisado ko si kant.
mikael co: i know,
Carl Javier: for example, di ba i will not lie
Carl Javier: oks
mikael co: three formulations ng categorical imperative, etc.
mikael co: pero...
Carl Javier: yup, mismo
mikael co: universality, well, problematic talaga para sa akin.
Carl Javier: so ang ginawa ni coleridge, kinuha sina kant, tapos inapply sa english poetry and philosophies
mikael co: hmm.
Carl Javier: oo, mahirap ang universality sa post-modern age lalo na
Carl Javier: pero astig pa rin siyang isipin
Carl Javier: at pagisipan
mikael co: yeah
Carl Javier: ok tong translation a
mikael co: ikaw rin yan, e, haha
mikael co: dynamic equivalence hinanap ko, at kasi sabi ni khavn, dagdagn ko ng mura, haha
Carl Javier: oo nga. sarap nga e.
mikael co: hehe
Carl Javier: labo nga ng instructions for revisions
mikael co: pare nakita mo blog ko?
Carl Javier: "basta, wasakin mo pa. gawin mong wasak na wasak"
mikael co: HAHAHAHAHA
mikael co:
Carl Javier: di ko pa na check lately
mikael co: sa blog ko pala,
mikael co: tinry ko itranslate isang poem ni zagajewski
mikael co: it was about poland,
mikael co: pero ang galing pare,
mikael co: kasi while i was reading it,
mikael co: i was imagining poland,
Carl Javier: hmmm ok yan a
mikael co: and zagajewski just hit me, may sentiment talaga na parang binabalot ng tinik ang dibdib ko,
mikael co: at sa transaltion, i tried to live that sentiment,
mikael co: tried to create it, from my own experiences, my own images of pilipinas
mikael co: so nagbago ang images, pero ang form, ang syntax ng tula, pibnilit kong iretain
Carl Javier: hmmm, galing ng idea na yan for translation
mikael co: ang lumabas, ayun. not sure if it was a good translation, pero it felt damn good.
Carl Javier: teka, before i go over it, naisip ko lang ang dati kong gawain
Carl Javier: before i would write, i would retype the whole first page of either araby or something by hemingway
Carl Javier: to channel that
mikael co: o
mikael co: nice!
mikael co: in a sense, everything is a translation of something
Carl Javier: and sabi nila, to go further into that kind of mindset, try to find handwriting samples and emulate the handwriting
mikael co: wow
Carl Javier: because handwriting is a manifestation of certain neural patterns, and if you write the same way as someone, you can channel that person's neural patterns
mikael co: a bit... too scientific (universalisitc?) for my tastes, but i see what you mean
Carl Javier: kumbaga pare, when you translate, you are not taking, you are literally trying to form a brain synapse that connects your brain patterns to another's
mikael co: i get that
mikael co: o nga
mikael co: pero to reduce emotion to brain patterns, well.
mikael co: i guess that's one way of perceiving things, haha
Carl Javier: well, we can't be the same, but we can emulate. galing din kasi ng concept ng brain patterns
Carl Javier: kasi for a while, when they started neural mapping, people were afraid that by taking brain scans you could "read minds"
Carl Javier: but the fact is each person's neural pattern is unique, like fingerprints or DNA
Carl Javier: so these are different because we each have different emotions
Carl Javier: feelings
Carl Javier: experiences to draw on
mikael co: mismo
Carl Javier: levels of sympathy and empathy
Carl Javier: galing lang
Carl Javier: kasi nga, with new technology, we come to understand these things
mikael co: infinite ang human experience, malawak ang uniberso
Carl Javier: but we come to further understand the mysteries of the depths of human emotion
Carl Javier: shit, parang magandang ilagay yun sa paper a
mikael co: have you read socrates, apologia?
Carl Javier: apologia? parts, yung nasa readings namin
mikael co: well yun.
mikael co: kasi, ang main thesis nun, parang,
mikael co: ang tao nagiging tao lang kapag inamin niya na may limitations siya, na masyadong malawak ang uniberso para alamin ng isang tuldok, tulad natin.
mikael co: i guess the attitude na "i know only that i don't know," yung humility, yun ang essential to learning, essential to being a human.
mikael co: being.
Carl Javier: parang the wise man knows that he is ignorant
mikael co: being a human being. haha.
mikael co: yeah, siya ang nagsabi nun.
Carl Javier: yup
mikael co: pero siya rin ang nagsabi na
mikael co: "ang buhay na hindi sinasaliksik ay hindi buhay-tao."
Carl Javier: kasi nga, ang wasak, when you read the scientists, you realize that the more you learn, the more you need to learn
Carl Javier: An unexamined life ba yun?
mikael co: mismo
Carl Javier: wasak, off topic, duet pare kanye west and chris martin
mikael co: pero, about the scientists kasi, a lot of them purport to have found the answer to everything, or to be seeking it-- the answer to evything
mikael co: sino si chris martin?
mikael co: wrestler?
mikael co: hahaha
Carl Javier: wazak! vocalist ng coldplay dude
Carl Javier: wala e
mikael co: ah oo asawa ni gwyneth!
Carl Javier: actually, in the late 20th century the physicists thought they were approaching a unifying theory
Carl Javier: pero kung mahanap man ng physics yun, kulang pa rin daw yun to explain other things
Carl Javier: and it only opens up more questions
mikael co: i know!
Carl Javier: wazak talaga no?
mikael co: and, and...
Carl Javier: well, medyo olats na string theory
mikael co: kungmay sagot ba, kaya nating i-encase yun in a language we'd understand?
mikael co: the way i see it, ganito:
Carl Javier: and the concept of the multiverses is looking to not be something to rely on at all
mikael co: if ever someone met god, and asked for the answer to everything, then god would, like, touch him on the forehead or something. then all of these expereinces would come rushing, everything, light and matter and energy, parang dadaan sa katawan niya. tapos sasabihin ni god, "o ayan ang sagot." pero di masasabi nung taong yun sa ibang tao ang sagot,
Carl Javier: pwede
mikael co: kasi the answers would have to be in terms of a concrete human experience. or experiences.
mikael co: that is, if god existed at all.
Carl Javier: hindi sapat ang numbers and abstact computations of these things
mikael co: hindi maipapasa sa kapwa ang experience, e di yun mai-reretell. that's one of the attractions of art, i think,mimesis, the retelling of experience,
mikael co: pero even then, art always come short, kasi no language can ever duplicate the experience itself.
Carl Javier: yeah, but then it's the art experience where the person experiencing interacts and engages the text that brings the text to life in a new way
mikael co: so if ever there were "the answer," it can't be retold. di kaya ng language, kasi language, always, is limited. fractured.
mikael co: mismo, mismo sa sinabi mo.
Carl Javier: the whole idea isn't merely the creation of the art, but also the interaction with the art, kung paano nabubuhay ang art dahil sa bagong nag-experience sa kanya
mikael co: so art, then, i think, isn't the retelling of an answer to life's questions. di siya moral lesson shit. isa siyang recreation.
mikael co: i mean, re-creation.
Carl Javier: i mean, we bring shakespeare to life every time we read him
Carl Javier: lahat sila, binubuhay natin
Carl Javier: pero ang pagbuhay, sa paradigm natin
mikael co: "may naramdaman ako, hindi ko masabi kung ano yun, pero heto, isa pang pakiramdam. baka pareho." yun ang approach, i think. may certain humility, and an admission of the fractured nature of language.
Carl Javier: parang si sandman di ba pag nagpakita siya, the one who sees him fills in certain gaps
mikael co: mismo
Carl Javier: and it's in these gaps that we find new creations
Carl Javier: hmmm, naisip ko dude, with some minor editing, pwede ko ba publish to sa blog ko?
mikael co: oo ba
Carl Javier: i was watching a bruce springsteen DVD of his new album, yung we shall overcome the pete seeger sessions
Carl Javier: and he was talking about recording songs that were, some of them, more than 100 years old
mikael co: pero wag mo tanggalin ang mga off topic shit like chris martin and kanye west, a!
mikael co: yun yun, e!
Carl Javier: and he said that the whole thing is about understanding and recontextualizing
mikael co: intersting case:
mikael co: (off topic)
mikael co: http://www.netsdaily.com/blog/?p=385
mikael co: mismo!
Carl Javier: which is why, by rerecording songs written, some of them in the 1800s, he manages to make a commentary on contemporary life and times
mikael co: galing talaga ni boss, haha
Carl Javier: oo dude, wasak na wasak
Carl Javier: tangina dude, oden out for the season?
mikael co: ngayon mo lang nalaman?!
mikael co: haha
mikael co: oo dude
mikael co: wasak nga e
Carl Javier: kanina lang ako nakacheck ng shit
Carl Javier: wala e. wasak na wasak ang buhay ko
Carl Javier: may balita ka ba about the shoot?
mikael co: alaws, e
mikael co: text mo si khavn baka gising pa yun

Finally, an Update

2007-09-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

As usual, when it's been a long time since I've updated a blog, I'll put up some excuses which really serve to make me feel better and whittle away at the guilt of having left this thing hanging.

Work is, as usual, work. It amazes me that my students have to learn grammar lessons that I have managed to go through life without. This and I've snagged myself an English degree, am very close to a master's, and I think in general write well enough to be grammatically correct at least. I spent a night laboring over how to teach the restrictive and non-restrictive clause. It was said to me that an understanding of the restrictive and non-restrictive clause is essential to our appreciation of literature. While that may get some people off, I found myself struggling first to understand it, and then how I would convince others that this knowledge was of utmost importance. 'Course it's much easier to say, it'll be in the exam, so study it.

It's interesting that in subjects like math or science there are things that you just have to know. It's that simple. This knowledge is essential, so learn it. Even if you won't become a chemist, each of us has at one time or another had to memorize or at least manage to navigate their way around the periodic table of elements. Or remember all those postulates and theorems we had to learn for geometry? Well how about English? Sadly the approach to English is veering further towards the functional. End product: people who can work at call centers. Our pop culture isn't helping with this at all. We enjoy laughing at people who muck up and go barok. anyways, there is a movement away from teaching literature as literature, truly and purely, at least from where I stand. I know, I know, there are educational theories to support this and blah blah blah, but how great it would be to select the best poems, stories, and novels and just discuss them. It would presuppose the teacher's good grasp of literature and maybe more difficult the students' ability to read and respond to literature. At least where I teach, the responsibility to motivate is on the teacher, and more often than not my students don't bother to read the texts that are required of them.

It makes me terribly sad when I come to class prepared to discuss a text, let's say I'm really excited to talk about Lord of the Flies because it's just great material and there's so much there to mine, and the class looks to be dozing off and it's obvious that most of them didn't read. You give a quiz that's over 20, and you're lucky if even a few students get ten items right. and then there's the great reasoning, this doesn't have anything to do with my life anyway.

they don't see the relevance because we have failed to remind them that these are the humanities. these are the things that make us human, our appreciation of beauty and the ability to feel and sympathize and understand and question. Whose fault is it? I suppose we English teachers are partly to blame for making the study of English a functional one, where language learning is the goal and not the greater appreciation of literature. Literature is seen as a tool through which language can be taught, it is not taken as literature itself. Just see how long we have had to labor over literature selections, how difficult it is to get them approved. And in the end, the language is also seen as just a tool.

This brings to mind a lot of the recent discussions in my literary theory class. One of the great ideas was Kant's purposeless purpose, which is what things of beauty should have. their purpose it to be beautiful.

What I've been thinking more of and wanting to blog about, but been trying to digest first, are some of Schiller's ideas. He says that because of society, we have become halved, between two drives. There is the sensuous drive, which binds us to our understanding of the physical world and which is rooted in change. There is constant change that we can observe. then there is the formal drive, which pushes us to understand things as their forms, which has us moving towards things that are constant. Basically, we can see these two drives as the gap between the natural physical sciences and the humanities. And Schiller goes on to say that our society pushes us to devote ourselves to one or the other, but a devotion to one will make us incomplete and near idiots. A full understanding of the sensuous drive but negligence to the formal drive makes us robots, vice versa and we blabber about a world we fail to understand. However Schiller believes there is a third drive which marries these two drives, that these two drives do not necessarily have to be in opposition of each other.

For me, what's exciting is that lately I've been reading a lot of science books, and we see these scientists constantly turning to ideas in literature, philosophy, and the social sciences or other liberal arts and humanities, to provide frameworks which they can work with. I believe, with this kind of thinking, and how we see the proliferation of interdisciplinary studies and the mixing of these two drives consistently. I believe that we, at this point in time, may be moving towards reaching that third drive. all over the place we see the synergies and connections, and all it takes is our development of brain synapses that would allow us to process so many things.

the great irony is that now, in the age of information, when everything is a click away, lots of people are even lazier in their search for knowledge. Hello, my students, this may be a wake up call.

As I write this there are tears in my eyes/ways to know you're getting older

2007-08-19T06:31:00.000-07:00

On a literal level, my eyes are really all welled up and teary. Terrible bastard sinusitis. Been under the weather the last couple of days. So most people get stuffy noses under the circumstances. It's not enough that the stuffy nose is terribly irritating, plus this feeling that there's something pinching the bridge of your nose. I get a bonus irritation. My eyes start going red and they tear up uncontrollably. That or one eyes turns into a leaky faucet and just keeps going all day, as it has done today.

I've been taking pills for the sniffles and so that I'll fall asleep and hopefully sleep through all this. The pills don't help at all with the eyes. I've finished up a bottle of Visine or Eye-Mo or something. Provides only temporary relief. My eyes clear up, then after about fifteen mintues they start going again.

Needless to say I'm in no real state to work. I'm having trouble focusing. This entry comes because, well i Feel that i have to write something. can't write creative when i'm sick and i can't work either.

bummer too because the work is becoming another shitstorm. After narrowly averting the big trouble just a month or so old, here comes another reason to get in trouble. The past couple weeks have been rained out. One would expect that schedules would adjust. they do not. we are expected to submit grades on time. oh, and if you aren't done yet, well the faculty room's open during the holiday. and you can also go to the faculty room when there's a friggin' super bagyo.

I can't work with being under the weather. normally i'm a trooper I can work through the limp and I've even taught when I lost my voice. But it's so terribly hard to check papers when your eyes are making like faucets. i don't know. doesn't really make sense to me why we can't get some extension. but then as too many friends have told me already, i should just keep my head down on this one and not fight back.

so i guess that when i'm well enough to work i will be swamped and trying to meet deadlines which are, well, they can be accomplished. they are possible. that doesn't mean that they are sensible. you could, conceivably, stack enough playing cards in such a way that mathematically, you could build a bridge to the sun. it is also possible that you put a bunch of monkeys in a room, and based on theories of possibility, one of them will type Hamlet word for word. Given an infinite amount of time these monkeys in the room will, according to laws of possibility, type all the great major works of literature.

Of course we're talking possibility. And as that optimistic saying goes, anything's possible. Probability is a totally different matter. Being sensible is yet another thing to consider. But as far as the work I have to do is concerned, I am pitted with the theories of possibility.

Way to know you're getting old: when you have to buy appliances and furniture.

Sometime this week as I woke up to stretch I heard something in my bed tear. There was this large rip and the stuffing of my mattress was coming out like somebody's innards when their stomach had been gashed through with a scythe.

Then just last night I was asleep and then I woke up because I was sweating badly. I looked over to the electric fan, which wasn't turning at all though I remembered it being on when I had fallen asleep. I checked and found that my fan had died on me.

Even with the terrible condition I was in, I had to head to SM with my mom to buy replacements for these things. I had an extra handkerchief along just for the eye perspiration. You can wipe away the tears, but you can't help the weird way people will look at you because they think you're crying and your eyes are all red.

It's such a mundane thing to do, go to the appliance store to buy an electric fan. In all the drama of the past months I had dedicated myself to a life of beauty and intellect. I was trying to find something beautiful about looking at various elecric fans, me being an idiot at this and my mother asking about wattage and other things that I should really learn to understand.

Then it was off to the mattresses. Another similar process. I mean, it's very weird. I normally buy things and I'm very excited about them. Usually it's either books or music or movies and I'm in my zone, I understand everything. Here these were things that were simple and mundane and everyday. It just reeked of domesticity.

I remember going out with Anna a few months ago and I went with her to look at furniture for their new apartment. A few weeks back we were drinking at Cos and Cel's and Cel and Anna got to talking about furniture and the like. I got up to get a glass for a drink and there were still price tags on their stuff. The conversation was steered to living room furniture and I saw a bean bag. There was a time when I believed that a living room full of bean bags would be awesome. Actually at times I still suffer from that belief. Then Cel mentioned that a friend of theirs had mentioned that they and their friends were all getting on in years and maybe the bean bag may not be the best piece of furniture for your sala set.

I had to think, hell no, I'd love to spend the whole night in a bean bag in front of the TV with a controller in my hands. but we all are getting older. Think of the kinds of old man's diseases my friends and I are started to get, or are in dread and scampering wildly to avoid. Those bean bags would do our backs no good. Sturdiness, stability, security. You see people with solid wood furniture or strong metal to serve them and you can't help but consider the metaphorical possibilities when you juxtapose these things with the limp, formless bean bag.

And still as we move neared to our 30s, some of us much closer than others, there's still time to go back to being a kid. Yesterday was Anna's birthday party and a good part of the time was spent with us huddled around a TV and PS2 playing or heckling each other at various fighting or wrestling games.

Me and My New Pal Tea Tea

2007-08-16T21:09:00.001-07:00

Yes the title is as it is to provoke the reader. And though friends know I am more than capable of the most base and crass humor, this actually comes from a video game that I've been playing, video games being the great excuse for the long gap between the last update and this one.

I was chatting with Kael, who should be congratulated once again for taking home first place for poetry in this year's Palancas. He told me to update, and how could I say no? Along with Kael, a student of mine will also be going to the ceremonies; she won first place for the Kabataan essay. Wow, man, wow. I haven't heard yet who any of the other winners are, but I've got my fingers crossed for other friends.

So back to my friend Tea Tea. The past few days have rained us out. On Wednesday, when we were sent home early, I was riding a trike to school. As we came around the U-Turn slot near mini-stop an SUV came down the flyover from Katipunan extension and it sent a wave the size of something you'd see at an amusement park water ride straight into my face. My jacket was soaked through and so was my polo shirt. bummer. Rain water tastes nasty. I have ingested all kinds of liquids and chemicals and other crap into my body. Rain water coming from tire splash of an SUV goes straight to the top of the undesirable column.

We were sent home and the last two days have been spent here at home, trying to write, getting a few paragraphs in before succumbing to the call of the Xbox. Yes, and that is where I found my new pal. Very weird. I start this mission in a game called Ninety-Nine Nights and it says, "You and your new pal Tea Tea head to the blank blank mountains to face the enemy forces." Hmm, ok. Let's go Tea Tea. Who picks these names? In Gears of War I'm Marcus Fenix, in Splinter Cell I'm Sam Fisher, those are normal, sort of. So why this? I don't know.

In between bouts of gaming I find myself delving further for answers in terms of cosmic questions and philosophical inquiry. The temptation to declare myself a bright (which is the word they are trying to get people to use when referring to atheist, to avoid all the negative connotations that the word atheist comes with) is becoming stronger as I read more of contemporary science. The books I'm reading have so many scientists declaring their disbelief, non-belief, or whatever. I wish I could take Kael's stance which is I don't care if there's a god or not. But I do care, and this, for some reason, troubles me terribly.

I had turned my head away from all these things before. I hadn't really thought about it, just kind of drifted away from the church and hadn't cared to much about it either way. But I suppose teaching in a Catholic school, plus the philosphical inquiries on the nature of beauty and concepts of transcendece to a higher One in class, and all the science that I am bombarding myself with, make this question inevitable. What is it that I really believe in.

It's interesting to document what belief can do to people. Just look at the holocaust, the crusades, and contemporary terrorist threats based on fundamentalist notions, both Christian and Islamic. I found myself thinking about whether a soldier in, say, the NPA would have the same guts to be a suicide bomber.

The suicide bomber's eagerness to sacrifice himself to his cause is based on the premise that his belief is the one true belief and that he will be rewarded in the afterlife for making himself a martyr to his belief. Now if we were to talk to someone who didn't believe in an afterlife, let's say if you're a Marxist that doesn't believe in one, then would that soldier be just as willing to die for his cause? Or would he fight harder to stay alive, knowing that this life is it.

Apparently, according to one of the psychologists that I read, one of the problems for us in accepting that there may be nothing for us after we die is that there is no way for us to simulate that utter loss of consciousness. Most of us are dualists, believing in a separation between the body and the "soul" which the scientists prefers to refer to as consciousness or the mind. the mind is different from the brain though. So he says if you're a dualist you believe that after you have shed your mortal coil your consciousness lives on. However if you are a monist you accept that the consciousness, coming from the mind, is inextricable from the brain processes. There is no way for us to simulate this, thus we cannot fathom the idea of not having consciousness, and that is why the belief in an afterlife persists.

Again it's the beliefs that we have that drive us. A belief in the afterlife influences how we act now, thinking that if we can right we build towards entrance to a desirable afterlife. However, if we do not believe, then our precious, short time here on earth becomes that much more precious because this is it, there's nothing more than this, and we must make the most of it.

The turn two Troll Ascetic will redefine the Metagame!

2007-08-02T15:55:00.000-07:00

This title refers to all this thought I've been giving Magic:The Gathering even though I haven't played in a couple of weeks. I haven't even gotten my hands on any 10th edition cards. Which the title also refers to.

I've sold off a lot of cards and all that's left of me are two decks, my Time-Spiral block U/B/w teachings deck and my Standard Mono-Green Aggro. So, it's the Troll Ascetic that becomes essential in the MGA deck. For those unfamiliar with this guy, he's a three to cast 3/2 that can't be the target of spells or abilites your opponents control, and he regenerates. That's just an overpowering card.

So how does it come in? Turn one elf. Turn two Troll Ascetic. Turn three, moldervine cloak. Cast Might of Old Krosa. The troll Ascetic is now pumped into a 9/8 monster. If your opponent doesn't draw, or doesn't have Wrath of God or Damnation, then it's pretty much over next turn. Turn four, the 5/4 ascetic can come crashing in again and if you've got a good old Stonewood Invocation it's time to clean up and start shuffling. This of course is the God Draw, but then I've managed a turn 5 or 6 kill with the Silhana Ledgewalker, a puny 1/1 comparted to the Troll Ascetic, and with the acceleration I could drop the Troll Ascetic on the same turn as I normally bring in the Ledgewalker.

Ok, so there's just one hitch in this grand plan. According to Yol the Troll Ascetic used to go for around 150. So getting a set would run me around 600. Not bad, no prob. But Jeff went to Sta. Lucia recently and saw it going for P500! So that nixes my plans for putting together a set. I sold my mono-white weenie for how much a set of troll ascetics would cost.

And in case people haven't noticed the updates on this blog are getting fewer and further between. It's a lull time because there are new issues happening at work. Can't bring them up here. And there's a fair amount of other things to occupy my time. And biggest time-occupier: Xbox 360. I'm playing Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 2 and Gears of War. Diwa, who sold me this machine of God, was kind enough to inlcude all his games. This should render me invisible for a while.

Kind of like Leaving Las Vegas

2007-07-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

I remember when I first started watching movies seriously, one of the dark, beautiful films that came out that year was Leaving Las Vegas. I'm still trying to find a copy of it for my personal collection. Well, I get to thinking about it because the premise has a guy who gives up on his life, fills up his suitcases with liquor, and decides to drink himself to death.

I think of this because, as I was embroiled in that thing with my job in the balance, I was planning to go on a massive bender. I decided that I would see the whole thing through sober, and once I had resigned I would spend at least one week waking up at 10am, pulling a bottle out of my closet, then drinking until I passed out and it was the next day. There was a time when I hit a much lower point than this, a few years ago, but all of the stress that came with this recent thing, along with all the personal issues I'd been facing made me just want to lie down and attach an IV drip full of whiskey to my arm.

I weathered the thing sober, following a friend's advice. She said that I had to be all there to be able to get through it. And after I still have yet to recover from all these things that have happened. I haven't made the conscious effort to go on a bender, although it turns out I have been on one.

When things are happening normally, you don't really notice them. For example, I used to weigh about 120 pounds. I did not notice that I was gaining weight. I mean I saw the same face in the mirror every day. It wasn't until someone I hadn't seen in a long time saw me and said, "Tangina, ang taba mo na!" I weighed in and saw that I had increased by a good number of weight divisions. Similarly, you don't feel old, until let's say, your favorite bands from high school start getting played on MTV classic. Man, how did I feel when I was listening to the classic rock station and they played Pearl Jam's "Even Flow"?

So this morning my mom saw me out of it. I passed out last night and woke up without a hangover but disoriented, trying to piece things together. My mom accepts a lot of the things I do. When I failed math she said, "Anak, ok lang yan. Sa UP ka naman e." She's nice to my girlfriends. When I bring friends over to hang out or drink she always does something nice for them. She's just that kind of person, terribly nice. And when I start to get weird, she will dismiss the behavior as something I have to do to write. But I think she has seen something I hadn't.

Not in an angry tone, but in a disappointed one, she asked, "Uminom ka nanaman?" And I said yes, and was embarrassed to say so. Like I said, she accepts the drinking, but there was genuine concern there. You don't have to say much to express certain important things. Her bringing it up meant that she had noticed something.

So I sat back and started thinking. What have I been doing this week? and here's what came out: Monday- Happy Mondays, downed most of a 350ml bottle of gin (with Marge, Kael, and some of the TWG boys taking a few swigs) and somewhere around six beers; Tuesday-movie premier, no drinking; Wednesday, was supposed to just stay home but wound up heading to Blu Fin and having somewhere around 8 beers; Thursday-dinner out no drinking; Friday-went to a birthday party, drank maybe a quarter of a bottle of tequila straight from the bottle and had more than ten cups of beer (there was a keg! and i lost count somewhere after the eighth beer); Saturday- one-on-one drinking session with Anna, we downed a pitcher of margarita and a beer tower. that beer tower was massive. so i passed out. today I'll be in the recording studio laying down tracks for the last song on our album/EP, and most likely after that we'll be downing a few beers.

See the thing to be noticed here is the frequency and intensity. Out of six days, I was drinking four nights, and this wasn't like having a beer or two. This was real, hardcore, hit the bottle like there's no tomorrow drinking. I've told people, as long as I don't drink, I'm fine. But once I get a taste, well, it's a downward tumble. The thing about it is that I haven't noticed. I mean, someone asks me out, and normally the people who know me know that when they need someone who'll have a drink with them I'm their man. I just go. But not until my mom expressed concern did I realize, whoa I have been drinking way too much. It's time to turn this around.

As I write this I'm feeling something in my back, this twitching inside and it frightens me that it could be my liver or kidneys making complaints. These could just be ghost pains that I am imagining because I am thinking of this. But a good number of friends are getting sick with all kinds of things. Our pasts are catching up with us.

Easy and I get to talking sometimes about how we used to feel immortal. In your early twenties you feel like you can take anything on. Nights of mad drinking, going home as the sun comes up and getting up for class or work, shrugging it all off as if the body were adamantium. No more these days. I make a wrong step and my knee pops, I'm afraid it will get dislocated again at the slightest movement. All these things I've done to my body; I feel that my body betrays me when I get hurt, but I can't help it, perhaps it is the body's revenge for all the abuses I have subjected it to.

Without being conscious of it, I've already gone on my post-crisis bender. It's early morning now, the sun has come up while I wrote this entry, and now maybe I should try and turn things around.

Thinking about Fear

2007-07-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

It's been rather fun teaching horror this quarter. Like I said before, it's great to be in a room and watch something and get that overwhelming reaction. It's different, in terms of say writing. When I write I'd like something to happen with my audience, but I'll probably never see that unless I stand in front of someone as they read my work. That I could not bear. Just last week I was with a friend and to play with the writerly insecurities she got a copy of a book I'm in and started reading it aloud in the book store. I had to tear the book from her hands because I felt that I would melt as the words were read.

However, having these film viewings is more like putting together a good mixed tape. Wow, I've written a lot about making mixed tapes, and I'm sure that many of my friends from the cassette generation will have their own nostalgia trips about it. But the whole idea was you take careful consideration in crafting this tape that plays a certain mood perfectly. You enjoy it when you play it and the person you made the tape for really likes it. Some level of music appreciation. Similarly, I'm getting a kick out of putting together a set of readings made to scare. And then picking just the right things for my class to watch.

Now the question comes: will I get better at this as the year progresses, considering that I'll be working in genres that don't generate such an apparent and immediate effect as horror does, or is this the peak since I'm very comfortable with this genre.

Teaching in genre has many challenges. I have taken on something pretty big. I think I went for horror since I've been thinking a lot about teaching it, and that results in it being the first thing my mind went to when I was pressed to come up with something to teach. Soon enough I'll be raiding my book closet looking for all of those old anthologies I picked up and making my selections.

Yesterday a co-teacher lent me a book on biopsychology. After she sat in on my class to watch the horror show she heard my mini-talk again about fear and the like. she recommended that I skip ahead in the book and read about the fear reactions.

So during some meeting yesterday I was reading and it turns out that a lot of the studies on fear are really interesting when it comes to the basic responses. One of the interesting things that came out there was that animals, when fighting intra-species, will not go for any lethal moves. Hence, the fighting stances of animals will allow certain weak points to be exposed because they know that those from their species won't hit them there. Interesting, parang yung usapang, sige pare sapakan, pero walang sa bayag. Possibly interesting too is this notion that in the animal kingdom, there's this implicit, unspoken agreement, probably brought about by evolution and the need to propagate the species, that you can hurt each other to establish social order, but you can't kill each other. Now line this up against man and our development and really, how easy it is to kill someone.

Another thing I read, which I wished I had read before, when the shitstorm was coming down on me, was about defensive reactions to aggression. It said there that in systems with a developed hierarchy and pecking order moves made by superiors are considered aggressive. And the common reaction to that kind of behavior is a defensive attack. If I had this information, then it would prove that my reactions were only normal. When the big bad wolf came at me, I had no choice but to mount a defensive attack to protect myself. Amazing what a study of science and behavior can reveal, how our most basic reactions are driven by evolutionary models developed over the millenia.

I can't help but be interested in evolution and these new theories in various fields that allow us to understand ourselves and how we function. Reading up on neuroscience, evolution, and all these trends forces us to consider that, no we are not merely products of our personal experiences, but the development of countless generations, genes passed on, behavioral traits and beliefs that ensure the propagation of the race. While we feel so much as individuals, and I personally have this tendency to think about my various failings, we are all part of this massive human project moving towards the highest and most efficient and developed forms possible. The immensity of evolution and an understanding of how large things are, a realizing of how large a scale things could possibly operate on, and how limited an effect we have on these things on a literal level, can be overwhelming. I'm thinking of a Flaming Lips song, "The Stars are so Big, I am so Small...Do I Stand a Chance?"

And so we can still turn to art, that imposition of form on the artwork, the creation of something, from materials already there, be it statue from stone or poem or story plucked from the language of the social subconscious. These are things that transcend space and time. With the immensity of it all, our collective understanding and knowledge, the awareness of how large the world is, sometimes, it's just a three minute ditty or a few beautiful lines from a poem that can allow us to transcend this world and enter some higher level of consciousness. Even with all our knowledge, there's still something mystical out there.

i'm getting to rambling, but now i have to start questioning, how do I reconcile all of this reading on science, the systematizing of knowledge, while at the same time holding onto these beliefs of transcendence and the mystical experience. In class, we were reading about Plotinus and the "A ha! I've got it moment" where it's not this conscious thought process that leads you to something, but at the snap of your fingers you just suddenly have this moment of understanding. I believe in study and science, but you can't deny that moment of sublimity. I guess I am deciding to live a life of inquisition and constant thought and understanding, in pursuit of that transcendental moment.

Christmas in July

2007-07-13T23:13:00.000-07:00

A side note before I get started. As I typed in the title of this blog, two other titles popped out, so it seems that I have a tendency to use Christmas in my titles. Lots and lots of entries with christmas references. Makes me wonder how that season seems to always inhabit my subconscious.

These days have been a blur. Still reeling from this great crisis concerning work, disaster seemingly averted. I'm not out of the woods yet, but people are reassuring me that the worst of it is over now.

I've been looking for things to brighten up about. One thing I think is this new project I've undertaken with Adam David. It's usually bad luck to talk about it or pre-empt things, I've seen since I started working for real that usually I give up on a lot of things I write; but if I say I'm writing something I feel this obligation to show people that I actually finished it. So if I announce I'm going to finish it, I somehow find the willpower to.

Again this new project I find very exciting. I won't claim to be a T.S. Eliot fanatic. In fact most of the stuff of his I've read I've gotten from various anthologies and collections. Still I consider Prufrock one of my favorite poems, and I really enjoy reading him. Enjoy so much that a couple years back I wrote that series of weird dramatic monologues in the vein of Prufrock. So the new project has us working with some of Eliot's poetry and kind of updating it. I think that the source material is so sublime, and the kind of interaction between text, old text, new writer, it's very experimental and makes a lot of room. Some will remember how Ricky de Ungria's Pidgin Levitations tried for this kind of reaction, with him revising, as an older man, poems that he had written in his early twenties. Now here we are engaging one of the greatest poems, and one of the greatest poets of all time. There's a measure of conceit here, for Adam and I to think of engaging Eliot in this way. And it seems very ambitious. But I haven't been writing anything else and this seems so large and challenging that I can't say no to it.

There's that, and in teaching I find myself always excited about teaching my advancement class. I'm having fun because I'm teaching what I want. Going genre based and mixing up TV, film, and literature, I think I'm plunging my students into a critical study of forms that will enrich their understanding. I like to think of things in terms of The Matrix where Neo sees the world as if it were normal, but as his consciousness of things is raised he starts to see the binary code, the structures that are in place, all of them underlying the seeming reality that surrounds them. I think that an understanding of forms allows you that kind of vision.

This brings us to the whole Christmas idea. This quarter so far all I've been able to get in is a detailed study of horror. This friday we watched The Descent. On my own, watching these films helps to pump the adrenaline and allow for some intellectual engagement. But watching with the class one remembers the joy of communal viewing. Just the screaming, the tension everyone suffers from, and the inevitable laughter at the reactions, which always has to seem a little uncomfortable.

So I'm thinking of other genres to jump into. And I think one of the most ignored genres in terms of criticism, is the action movie and the action story. Its popularity at the box office is almost inversely proportionate to its critical reception. But I grew up on action movies, and I love the good old gun fight and explosion. So I'm hoping I can find some way to get them into my class. In an effort to see what I can do with them, I've picked up two of what I consider to be genre defining films. The first installments of the Lethal Weapon and Die Hard franchises stand in my mind as landmarks in the develpoment of the action movie. These films ushered in a new kind of action movie during the 80s, each providing the prototype for two different strands of the genre. I can't specify here yet, since if i'll be teaching i'll be pre-empting, and according to the format i'm supposed to teach in I can't give it, I must elicit or something.

So I spent the first half of this day watching these two movies again and the funny thing is that they are both set during Christmas. For the first two Die Hard movies, the Christmas setting was well defined. They dropped it in the later two though. I still can't remember though if the second Lethal Weapon movie was set in the yuletide season.

I mention these things because as the different parts of my life fall in and out of place, there's this need I feel to do things that will make me feel like a child again. Many people have called me both child-like and childish, and they are probably right. But as the adult world and its responsibilities impinges on mine, I think I want to feel like a child again.

I mention this because when I was maybe ten we bought a new VCR because the old one had been broken. The new one stayed in the living room. The old one I took and tried repairing. I don't know how I did it, but I managed to fix it. Among the few videos we had at the time were the first two Die Hard movies. I watched these over and over. So seeing it again now brings that back. Other things that help bring back the child are my watching Transformers. The first time I watched as a critic, but the second viewing I watched as that child who cried when Optimus Prime died.

Lately I've wanted to go somewhere with a rollercoaster. As a kid I spent a lot of afternoons at Six Flags getting my brain shook in and out of place. I don't think there are any rollercoasters here that would provide that kind of extreme rush, but if anybody knows any that might up the adrenaline level, drop me a comment.

Call for Links

2007-07-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

hello friends,

well, since the closing of the old blogspot i kept, i kind of lost all my links. so please visit here and drop your blog addys or send them to my email so i can start linking you here.

2007-07-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

With all the things going on these days all I want is either a long vacation or a return to some semblance of normalcy, before everything going weird.

Tonight I headed to the Harry Potter premier. and I hate to pre-empt my own review, but well, it was a pretty long yawn-fest. I've never been a Potter fan, and this doesn't do much to win me over.

I am hoping that the students I have in my advancement classes are getting as excited as I am about it. Thus far we've been talking horror, and I can't help but get excited about certain stories and ways to look at them. I've been throwing my favorite classic stories at them. Not too sure yet how they are taking it all, but the discussions have been pretty good, though not everyone participates. This has always been a problem with me. But sige lang.

And tonight, with time to kill in the mall, I went to the video store and picked up copies of Die Hard and Lethal Weapon. Buying these things shows my openness to the idea of still teaching I guess. I hope that I can stay on now and at least teach some of these things.

2007-07-08T23:12:00.000-07:00

The merchant is in business. After getting screwed over by my last blog being found, i've decided to start up again here in blogspot. attempts at anonymity will be made. so hard to manage a blog, writing things about your personal life and worrying what evil may come of it, like say losing your job.

anyways, here's the new stuff. i will post things as they come. back to the good old stuff that you read in the bayaw site.